I struggle with this often. It's a blatant and real reminder of the idol I created in my children. I woke with the sunrise this morning, to Cheyenne's "Mommy?" as she checked to see if I was awake to climb into my bed and snuggle up, I held her and began to think about today, well more accurately I began to reflect on the last few Easters.
I was very pregnant with Makenna Jo. Cheyenne and I had spent the night at my Mom's the night before Easter and to be honest all I can really remember, is sitting on a blow up mattress watching Chey check out her Elmo Easter basket...and thinking - next year I get to pick out two!
Bittersweet. All I could remember was my thoughts of the year prior...and my plans for two Easter baskets. Two sweet little girls in frilly dresses and lace socks, that wasn't God plan. No, instead on Easter morning it was one little girl in a not so frilly dress and no lace socks. I remember struggling, my only holiday without Makenna Jo, that I never got to see her. I found peace in knowing it's because he has risen that I can dream of heaven, of her face.
Wow, how this year has matured and deepened my desire to praise and serve a wonderful and merciful God. God has continually showed me his grace and love through trials and MORESO through blessings in 2011. Yet, on Easter morning I realize how selfish my heart truly is and how much I'm not able to give up to God yet. How I still believe that my plan was better, and how much my kids are still an idol.
How am I selfish? To think of ME on this morning, to think of who I desire most to see in my life right now in heaven is Makenna, and NOT the man who willingly endured EXCRUCIATING pain to provide the means to allow my broken soul to enter into the Kingdom of God. Who am I supposed to be worshipping here? God. But, if I'm real - I allow Makenna to get in between us. As much as her death has lead me to God, it's lead me their selfishly, to get back what I believe is rightfully mine. God, please forgive me.
Agape, is God like love. The bible says, we should love how we are loved. Im pretty sure God doesn't love me selfishly, he doesn't love me for what I am capable of doing- he loves me because of who he is and his heart. I pray that I learn to love closer to that.
Abraham was willing to put his son on an Altar, and Mary's son willing put himself on a altar on Calvary - both needed to trust God's plan and see that it was for a greater purpose. God reveals his plan on his time. I see how Makenna has been a vessel brought to share God's love. I see it in my life - through my deepened relationship in Christ, in friends who have begun their walk, and in family who have loosened their grasp on things no of this world. People whom I love, that I pray will walk through the Gates of Heaven and see the true realization of the reality of God's love. The reality we are only able to see because God sacrificed his own son for a bigger plan. So this year I pray, that my Love for God continues to mature to a state closer to selfless, that my actions, words and desires mature to glorify a God who has an amazing plan for each of his creations, all we need is a little faith.
Jesus has risen.
He has risen indeed.
Life is Good. God is Great.