....and the wisdom to know the difference.

That last line in the serenity prayer always gets me...wisdom comes through prayer. Yet I feel that SO often I think i can change everything. It's definitely not a new development. Since I was young, I thought I could endlessly change the world - that ANY goal I had in mind could be possible. While this helped with succeeding with a lot throughout my life, it has not helped with my ability to let God handle things and to wait for his promptings. The realization at 30 years old, that I cannot change everything is very scary. I was about to say humbling, but I'm not there yet. I say scary, because I STILL don't want to let go of the control even though all the evidence, circumstances, guidance, and promptings tell me it's time. I'm stubborn, but if you know me that isn't news, and that is something that YOU can't change. :D
I am certain that there is peace that comes from letting go of "what is" when you don't want it to be. I did that with the death of Makenna. Perhaps, even I see the permanence of death. Or do I? I can remember many ambulance rides looking at a patient and knowing in my guts they were dead, yet pumping away on his chest like I could change things. So, what truly makes me "let go?" Do I have to be in a place that nothing else makes sense? If I do, what does that say for my faith? Proverbs 2:5 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." What does it take for me to get there.
This has been my question as I endure a new season of my life. 
I think I've arrived at the answer, through conversation with my boyfriend. He continually reminds me to trust in God, that his plan is good. It frustrates me to be honest, that it seems to come so easily to him. Then it dawned on me. Relationships take time. I should know this being I rushed into my first marriage after a fair one month of dating, married with doubt on my heart, and endured a relationship that was not fullfilling. I don't say that to be harsh, I say that to be real. After leaving that, I was blessed with a relationship that has simmered, been under the fire, cooled off, and reignited. This relationship has been forged by heat and cold in every element I could possibly imagine and it is strong. So, why haven't I approached my relationship with God like that? Why have I expected it to materialize so quickly? Do I have some unrealistic expectation that he expects me just to accept things at face value, if he did why did he allow me the brain capacity to analyze information? The longer I endure hardships, the tougher things get, the more convinced I am that I am pursuing a relationship with God full of doubt and questions but exactly the way he knew it would go. 
God knows me. He knows my heart. He sees a fighter's spirit, a girl who craves life experience and he gives it to me. He knows that I'm not going to learn what his love is from a book...that I'm gonna learn what his love is from standing in the fire. That's me. It's not lack of desire to love him to trust him, it's lack of time forging a solid relationship with a love that will always surpass my understanding. I know I'm in that fire, I know all this stuff around me will end one day and then new stuff will take it's place. But I also know that God is in that fire with me. I also know that the fire subsides and I am blessed beyond measures with gifts, relationships, and life experiences that I don't deserve. I'm figuring this out one day at a time.  I don't always remember in the moment, when I'm trying to handle it myself, but one day I might. One day I might see the fire, pass the nozzle, and let go. One day...maybe.  So for now, I'll taked these experiences that the world throws at me. I'll try to rely on the armour God has given me and punk Satan whenever he tries to get a foothold in my life. I'll try to do that option first...before I think I can save the world myself. 
Life is Good, God is great.

Does God do good through all things?

A baby dying?
A bright young man getting killed in a car wreck?
Divorce?
Infidelity?
Loss of job?
Custody battles?
Yes. Yes he does. He can, he does, and he will if he is asked.  I think the confusion comes when our idea of what is "good" doesn't line up in his plan. Sometimes, that just sucks. It's makes our day, week, month, or year "bad." Why? We only see the underside of this crazy loom he is weaving our story on - but he  sees the top. Ever looked at the bottom of a beautiful tapestry? The knots, bumps, abrupt changes in color, and the lose ends - then flipped it over only to see the beautiful artwork of the weaver? Finally, to understand the need for the knots, the reason the bright yellow went to a blue so quickly? I think that's life.
I'm not sitting here recollecting on progress...I'm sitting here preparing to get on my knees and pray for his strength, guidance, and grace. You see, today all I am seeing is the knots and the bumps. But today, I know that I have seen a glimpse of my tapestry and see that God is good and he will do good through my life's immediate struggles right now.  God will do what is best for your immediate struggles right now too. Hold on, for one more second, minute hour, day, - whatever you can. Then when that is over, do it again.

I don't typically bombard with bible verses, but I came across this today and thought I would share.

10 Scriptures About God’s Promises

2 Peter 1:4

And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Matthew 11:28-29

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Isaiah 40:29-31

He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

Philippians 4:19

And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:37-39

No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Proverbs 1:33

But all who listen to me will live in peace,
untroubled by fear of harm.”

John 14:27

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.

Romans 10:9

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

Romans 6:23

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/the-promises-of-god-10-powerful-bible-verses-1/#ixzz217B3tcQQ


Life is good. God is great.

So, now what?

I read recently that sometimes the greatest step into faith, comes from a moment of non belief. Perhaps, I have shared before that following the moments after Makenna's accident I fell to my knees in prayer and instead of asking for healing, instead of pleading for her survival, my heart was doubting. Satan, used my heart - popped into my head and whispered "is he really there Jess?" and for a moment for that crucial moment I doubted, in my head leap the thought "Is anyone listening?" Most of that day was surreal. A large percentage of that day felt as though I was living someone else's life - that for some reason I was dreaming up the storyline to a hit Lifetime movie that I just couldn't wake up from. However, the one thing that was very real was God's presence. It stuck, that love and safety I felt knowing his presence lit my heart on FIRE to serve. I craved to become a better servant to move closer to him. To try and follow him to do what he called me to do. But, reflecting now - perhaps my heart was in the wrong place for that. In reality, I was pursuing HIS knowledge. That maybe if I was a good enough Christian, he would answer my "why." That he would whisper into a dream, provide a vivid vision, or reveal a miracle that would tell me exactly why my cards were dealt the way they were. Exactly why I had to have this life. In my true new reality I was pursuing God the way the shy boy in high school pursues his crushes best friend.  To get the information I needed not get what my heart truly desired.
Now, as my faith matures the answers that may come to my "whys" are not mine to know and I shy from wanting to seek them. As my faith grows and I learn more about his unrelenting love I see that I can trust his plan even if I don't know all the facts guiding it. I have learned that I can sit and be still, listen and be lead. Not that it is easy, it's incredibly difficult. If you know one thing about me it's my lack of patience and my inability to take things one day at a time. I'm learning it's necessary, very much so to wait until the time is right.  So now what do I do?
For so long, my identity was "Jessica, who's daughter died." So many of my "friends" rallied around me for the time after the accident, then disappeared. Many if them stayed as well, but no relationship are the same. For so long my faith, had an ulterior motive. For so long, I was surviving and not choosing to live. So here I am, moving forward finding what my heart has always truly desired.  Two years ago I thought I had evolved, reminiscent of how I felt as a preteen embarking on a new life, thinking I had it figured out. I had a goal in mind, one I would never reach. So now, I don't have a goal. My desires are to serve and love. I continue to reevaluated my heart, my intents, and my actions frequently to evolve endlessly as my relationship with God grows. Today, I say "So, now what?"  I wait in silence,  but the gentle push of the holy spirit to say, "This way Jess, he's there."
Life is good.
God is great.

Where are you Christmas?

Going into this Holiday season, didn't exactly begin with what I had envisioned. People I truly care about were dealing with death, cancer, fatal health diagnosis, and just hurt. I myself was dealing with a relationship going through a time of change. To be completely honest, the holidays were something that I wanted to not happen. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas...all of it could just be boxed up and thrown away. I was ready to settle with just "everyday" ...well everyday. How do you celebrate when hurt? How do you "fa la la la la" when you just want to run away where no one knows you? Well, I guess I should of known, well before the Grinch settled into my cold heart, that the best place to start when your world feels like it is falling apart, is to your knees. I wish I could of said that my landing there was of my own will and heart, but it truly was the Holy Spirit making my knees go out and saying "HEY, remember me?"
So, where IS Christmas. I know for sure it's not there in the stuff I got on Black Friday, but it might of been mixed in among all the laughter and chit chat I had with my Mom as we browsed through WONDERFUL applique holiday sweaters (stay tuned for Christmas morning pictures, where the model will be wearing her very own). I doubt it's in the turkey Kevin and I cooked on Thanksgiving, but the flavor of laughter and joy was pouring from the loved ones around that table. I may also be willing to admit, that Christmas isn't in those sugar cookies I'll bake with Cheyenne this week...or my inability to "gift" ones that aren't quite right - but there is no doubt in my soul that those moments I spend covered in flour and sugar with the little girl that God has let me keep will have Christmas written all over it.
I know it sounds cheesy, and maybe a little cliche to write about the spirit of Christmas, but it's what I need right now. It's what those who I know who are hurting NEED right now. Jesus didn't just come to earth on Christmas day so many years ago just to forgive our sins. He came here to teach us how to live! To love one another and share that love. God also blessed us with relationships to cultivate and grow with the spirit of love, service, time, and experience. This is where Christmas is. Celebrate the blessings given to us my a gracious and loving God, but loving on those he puts in our lives. So, if that's demonstrated this year with Christmas cards, presents, sugar cookies, lights, and songs - then I am "fa la la ing" all the way through December. Christmas isn't a time to reflect on my blessings, it's a time to be a blessing. Through that, I'm sure I'll find Christmas this year.
Life is Good. God is Great.

"Teacher, which command in God's Law is the most important?"



Jesus said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.' These two commands are pegs; everything in God's Law and the Prophets hangs from them."


Matthew 22:37-40 (The Message)

It SUCKS

People dying SUCKS. Sucks bad. No matter what outcome you are convicted of what happens once an individual takes their final breath, the truth of the matter is, it SUCKS to still be the one living and missing that person. It sucks to still be the one who has to wake up the next morning, start the coffee, and figure out how to pursue the new reality without them. Whether they were your daughter, son, sister, brother, wife, husband, mom, dad, grand parent, friend, or third cousin twice removed. In the end, it sucks.
There really aren't words to console, or a single act of empathy that will make the world better. NOTHING, changes the fact that the last hug has happened and a year from now you'll probably be struggling to remember how that hug felt or what their voice sounded like. You'll be standing their holding a new child, saying bye to another family member, or high fiving a friend and wonder for a slight second - wait what did it feel like to be next to that person...and why am I forgetting. At that moment you'll feel like crap.
See, it all comes down to the situation just SUCKING.
Now, I'm a boot strap and big girl panties kind of lady. I truly believe that life is what it is. Doesn't mean I don't truly believe that it hurts bad sometimes. I do believe that. But, I also truly believe in the cliche' that everything happens for a reason. That one day after I've endured the valleys, the shadows, and the whithered grape vines in God's plan for me I will see "why." I've seen it revealed already. In amazing friendships I have received over the years, new loves, personal growth, and my awaken yearning to seek God in my life. Those things all came from one event that SUCKED, that sucked so bad I didn't know how I was going to get off the hospital floor much less change my whole reality and take an entirely new path. But, here I am and while I might not understand why the pawn that was moved was Makenna, I do understand I was purposefully placed to be sitting in front of my computer on September 5, 2011 at 9:56 p.m.
Tonight, I have two women in my heart that are hurting bad. One lost a Husband, and is now trying to figure out life as a single mom. Another, lost a Sister and is now enduring the loss of two people in her life this summer as her Father passed away not too long ago. Tonight, I pray that God whispers into their hearts his promise, perhaps the same promise I heard that day - standing in the sun and seeing the trees blow in the breeze. I pray that through this cold time in their life that they feel spring is coming back, through the hard times that things will grow and blossom and they will see the beautiful purpose that God has for them. I pray that they know they are loved, and that God shows those in their lives how to love on them. I pray that peace comes to their hearts through the knowledge of the love and grace given to them so freely by a God who seeks only good for his children.
You know who you are, and I love you.



Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.


Matthew 11:25-30








Life is Good. God is great.

God Be With You 'til We Meet Again

What an amazing Independence Day weekend. I've spent it in Ramona, California with Kevin, his children, and Cheyenne. The laughter, genuine love, and acceptance of visiting family - reminds me if my own. 4th's of the past were fun and exciting, days of sparklers and homemade strawberry ice cream. Ooooooh, and those ash snake things, that you lit the pellets and the expanded? My family's building up the little ones again, all the holidays are getting more exciting as the new generation gets older - but there was a time I wondered if Chey would have the wonderful memories I did.
Then, this weekend happened. Lori, Kevin's "Aunt" is an amazing woman. She coordinated this weekend with 45 family members and friends, great food, and traditions. One new one was singing a hymn called "God be with you till we meet again." The family gathered around a grand piano and sang it. Some, like Kevin and his Father sing melodically, while others sang with "heart" as I like to call it. The song sang of God's protection and his promise, it reminds one of his love and grace, and for me it reminded me of God answering my prayers and putting more and more people in my life who show his love, show me this world is not to be dismissed for its wonders and joys...that life is good and that God is great.
Happy Independence Day!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

It's Independence Day....

Makenna's death, was my Independence Day. Makenna getting to go to Heaven gave me a passage to my Independence. I'm sure that sounds horrible. I'm positive I have readers who can't quite comprehend the logic behind my belief. I do NOT believe that Makenna was taken from this world because I didn't pay attention to the countless other slaps upside the head I had recieved to provide a acceptable way to leave. I do believe that The growth that I had spirtually from her death, provided me with the faith I needed to pack up and leave. To trust God, that he would provide.
I believe that prayer isn't about asking "why," I think that's doubting God's plan. You know, like when you tell you child to make their bed, they say "why" and you really want to say "because I said so, I'm the boss." Prayer for me has evolved into asking for clarity, for guidance, for the answer to "what." As in "Okay God, what the HECK am I supposed to do with this one." This clarity, came to me on Februaru 21, 2010. I had just hung up the phone, after making two very hard phone calls. The reality of never holding Makenna again sank in, when I realized that my heart was being drawn to move. But to what? I looked up, the sun was setting between two houses, the wind was blowing, a tree stood bold and strong. I heard traffic, children playing, people talking and I felt God. I whispered, a prayer from my heart "what do I do with this?" Without hesistation I heard "my plan Jess."
What is that plan? It's amazing. Since the day I began gaining independence from this world, and starting to trust in the plan that God has for me amazing things have happened. I've gained insight to amazing friendships, been loved in ways I never thought I would be, and my beauty, worth and purpose is continually being revealed. Pursuing the "what" is pretty awesome!  Live intentionally, still your heart and listen, enjoy this life for all it's worth. That's my Independence.
God's love is awe inspiring

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. ¹²"When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. ^13-14"When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." God's Decree. "I'll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back