Forgiveness.

Hear my prayer, LORD;

let my cry for help come to you.

2 Do not hide your face from me

when I am in distress.

Turn your ear to me;

when I call, answer me quickly.

 

3 For my days vanish like smoke;

my bones burn like glowing embers.

4 My heart is blighted and withered like grass;

I forget to eat my food.

5 In my distress I groan aloud

and am reduced to skin and bones.

6 I am like a desert owl,

like an owl among the ruins.

7 I lie awake; I have become

like a bird alone on a roof.

8 All day long my enemies taunt me;

those who rail against me use my name as a curse.

9 For I eat ashes as my food

and mingle my drink with tears

10 because of your great wrath,

for you have taken me up and thrown me aside.

11 My days are like the evening shadow;

I wither away like grass.

12 But you, LORD, sit enthroned forever;

your renown endures through all generations.

13 You will arise and have compassion on Zion,

for it is time to show favor to her;

the appointed time has come.

14 For her stones are dear to your servants;

her very dust moves them to pity.

15 The nations will fear the name of the LORD,

all the kings of the earth will revere your glory.

16 For the LORD will rebuild Zion

and appear in his glory.

17 He will respond to the prayer of the destitute;

he will not despise their plea.

Psalms 102: 1-17

Forgiveness has always been an outward expression of love to me. I forgive relatively easy - or say I do, sometimes my heart won't let go and I may be a wee bit, ummmm, vindictive, evil, mean...you get the hint. Usually though, it's easy for me to forgive someone else for hurting me. So, who do I have an issue forgiving? MYSELF! After a conversation with a Pastor at my church today it was brought to light. I carry guilt for anything bad that happens to me, anything bad I do to myself, and a lot of things that effect the ones that I love. This guilt that I carry is a heavy burden, one I'm choosing to carry - instead of giving it up - forgiving myself and walking a more disciplined life for God.
It all makes perfect sense, I feel my call, my spiritual gift is service. To help others get better, smarter, safer, and happier.  I pursue the happiness of others and try to maintain a stable and positive atmosphere at all times. Believing that I'm in control.If I forgive them, they are closer to that. One would think, I would learn that God having a plan that is not in my control, and when I choose to listen and hunger for him I'll know bliss and happiness in this life. So tonight, I begin to trust God in his promise, believe everything in the bible is true, and give my burden to God  So tonight I forgive myself in:
1. Marrying Colton for the wrong reason, and remaining in that marriage due to pride and greed.
2. Not listening when God provided, prompted, and I thoroughly believe spoke things to me that provided a way out of said marriage.
4. For trying one more time to "fix" a relationship that had no hope.
5. For not going to church on February 21, 2011
6. For saying I was a Christian for 28 years and never knowing what it meant.
7. For my sins and my imperfections.
8. For gaining weight and not going to the gym.
9. For being lazy and a bum at times.
..... you get the point.
I'm praying to give up this burden I carry, to be thankful for Jesus who died on the cross so many centuries ago so I don't HAVE to carry that burden. I pray to feel lighter and more energized so I can shine the light of God more effectively and efficiently. I pray that God fills my heart, and thoroughly occupies my mind to keep Satan at bay. I also pray that each of you, find the strength to forgive yourself, to give up the burden that you don't have to carry. Take peace and rest in the mercy and graciousness of our God and praise him for giving his son so that WE can overcome death. Amen.

My Idols.

Most know that holding false idols is one of the big Ten Commandment "no-nos," I have two most readily identifiable in my life. What are they? Well, it's who are they really; Makenna Jo and Cheyenne Rose. Yup. I value them and do more for them than I ever have for God. I'm sure there are other idols, but those two little blessings have turned to idols.
Now, before anyone jumps and says "you're sposta, it's what Mothers do." THAT'S THE PROBLEM!!!!! Mother's identify themselves by their children, they become their god. That is PRECISELY the reason that Mom's "die" when their children do. That is why, I believe  losing a child is deemed the worst thing that could happen to someone. Wouldn't the worse thing for a Christian to learn is that their God is dead? Their reason to live truly IS gone because one of their children was their idol, their God and in the process they do not give God the praise he alone deserves they deemed their plan for the child better than his and die to this world with little to hold onto in the next. How do I know this? I'm living it. Is it true for every Mom? No. But, I truly think it might be a running trend in my non scientific poll.
Please don't take this as Mothers shouldn't love their kiddos like there is no tomorrow, they should - and we'll talk about what "love" is in a later post. What I'm saying is children should not be idols, they should not be valued more than the awesome God who gave us them as a blessing. They should be valued as a blessing, and protected, loved on, taught, and disciplined to become God fearing individuals who will walk the walk and talk the talk. Who learn to listen to God's plan and live it out! Mom's need to gain the conviction that our children aren't "ours" nothing of this world is. It's all on lease and not permanent.
THANK GOD!
Tonight, I heard  it said for some our world will be the closest to heaven they ever get, for others it will be the closest to hell. The more I choose to sin, to worship false idols the more I stall my growth as a Christian, in my relationship with God the more I gamble with the chance of this world being the closest to heaven I ever get. The longer I live in pain and confusion searching for the answers to "whys" that aren't mine to have.  When I arrive in the place the Jesus truly lives in my heart, when his words and his desires are on my mind, mouth, and heart and I walk the walk, I will find peace that this earth is the closest to hell I will ever get. It's a struggle, the Devil has a foothold sometimes and it gets welcomed every time I sin.
Tonight, I'm starting with idols. Mentally, it's easier to know Makenna is God's knowing she is literally with him now. Cheyenne is a challenge. The anxiety and fears I have for her draw my heart's ears away from listening to God and hearing how I should work his love into her life. Giving her up to God, sacrificing my dreams for his plan is terrifying. But, it's a parachute moment - only one way to test it out and that's to take the jump. So, I'll pray for her, I'll pray for me - to help me show her God's love, that she has an open heart to receive it. Pray that God gives her just enough and she is both strong and humble enough to endure it.  I'll pray for me, that I could be as strong as Moses mom and symbolically place my baby in the river and know that God has bigger plans for her. I love her, I love Makenna and for each I pray I can accept God's plan for him, for HE is Great.
Life is good. God is Great.

February 21, 2010. The war begins

Attacked.
Since then I felt attacked, first I blamed myself, then Colt, then the USMC, then well even got to Bass Pro and them selling that gun. Lately, I've come to realize it's Satan to blame for any guilt I have or any "need" to point a finger. As soon as I realized that, the has come into my mind, taunting me and sending me into a whirlwind. A daily battle to not let evil take over my mind and effect how God wants me to live this life.



......... That morning I was upstairs with Cheyenne, doing my hair. I wanted to be pretty, things were going well with Colton and I and we had a wonderful family day planned at the Zoo with some friends. I kept thinking to myself, we could still make it to church if I went and got Makenna from her high chair, I debated calling colt to bring her up. Then decided I liked the slow pace of the morning, that we should enjoy it. I watched Chey looking at me as I curled my hair. Then heard it, I ran to the stairwell and called for Colt..once...twice...three times.  "NOOOOOO" I heard, I flew down the stairs, heard those words, and that right then is when God took me from my self and covered me with him love and grace in his one arm, and escorted my Makadoo to Heaven.
God's been there ever, I've drifted. Satan and his evil influences have changed my thinking and takes this event to fill me with anxiety, fear, and hate. Today for example, my Mom leaves with Chey to a store that is literally two blocks away. As soon as she pulls out of the driveway I feel like I should of gone. That I need to be with Chey, just in case. That "just in case" escalates to; my brain creating an elaborate scenario so intense, I end up pacing the house, vomiting, and crying uncontrollably. They scenario? Chey and my Mom die in a fiery car crash. It gets so vivid I can picture them burning, in various stages. I envision what I will wear to the funerals, and compose what I'll say to the police officers when they bring me the news...even how I would continue to hold my family together - to hide my hurt from them. How I would wear that cape and continue to be perceived as brave, inspiring, and strong as I am told so often in the wake of Makenna's death. Today, was the first time it was so intense, but nightly the devil influences my thoughts into thinking the worst will happen when I decide to ignore anything I think. I did it once, and my daughter was shot and killed one floor beneath me...could it happen again?
The scary answer. Absolutely.
So where do I put my trust? How do I do that? With faith the size of a mustard seed you can move mountains, and with a prayer the devil can be demolished. But death can't. Death hasn't been defeated on our earth. It happens. Yes there is eternal life in heaven with a God so good who loves us all. But the pain here is REAL. It's a real peace I experience knowing she is in perfect care, that seconds are eternity, and eternity are seconds and if she longs for her Mama, she won't feel the ache I do here to be with her. But while she is up there, half my heart is walking out here. She's running away from me in stores, in my back seat on the 91 freeway, free to eat hard candy and grapes, and living in a world where children die from bee stings to terrible cancers. The Devil reminds me of that. He whispers , "your God didn't love you enough to let you keep Makenna, why would he let you keep Chey" or "Your faith is too weak, you doubt to much how do you call upon such an awesome God to protect her?" and mostly - "You don't deserve this happiness, you are broken." I forget to pray, I forget where to put my trust and I believe it. I believe that I'm not important enough for miracles and perhaps God doesn't exist. So how do I end up back here? Believing that God does love me, has a plan, and cries tears with me? I DON'T KNOW.
It's in my guts. It's the feeling deep inside my heart that knows he is good and what the bible says is true. It's the prayers I know are out there for me, and the ones I whisper when I remember the feeling of being in the light. It's the grace and salvation that God promised me when he allowed Jesus to be massacred upon a cross so many years ago. What brings me back here, is KNOWING it wasn't me that picked myself up off a hospital floor in Virginia, walked to a car, and returned home to my daughter here on earth to continue to be her mother.
But, I refuse to be a shell. I refuse to merely survive. To wake up in the morning and thinking I have to put on a show.  I refuse to let the devil whisper non truths into my ears and coerce me into living in anxiety instead of abundance and happiness like God will provide. So today, I'm seeking counseling and help. Prayers from my friends and loved ones. I'm retiring the cape and getting on my knees. Accepting help and pouring into the word. I think it's time to grieve. It's scary. I feel like my toes are on the edge of the plane and I'm ready to jump. Trusting my parachute will open...that there is a bigger plan that I just need to have faith in.
Anyone want to join me?
Life is great. God is good.

See,

No really, do you see? I didn't. I didn't even think to look at the broader picture tonight, and had I not listened to that clear voice that came from somewhere deeper than my guts I wouldn't of looked again.
I guess the best way to make this the least confusing is to start where it began, on a softball field this past fall.
A friend, was warming up as we prepared for a game and she asked me to be a part of a small group exploring the book Captivating. She spoke of it like it held magic secrets to bring me happiness to fulfill the parts of me that needed to be filled. She radiated happiness...Honestly, I looked at her and thought  - that chick is totally in love with God. I was excited.
I read the first chapter, attended the small groups, we've cried, we've grown, I've gained friends - sister's in Christ. Who I'm not scared to share my deepest fears with. My growth in my faith is exponential - but mostly it's the depletion of doubt. The ability to pray now and not doubt that God is listening....most of the time.
So tonight, in group. Another girl, spoke of how God will provide what our heart yearns for when it's time. It's up to us to be patient. If ANYONE reading this knows me, patience is not my strong suit. (I also learned to night not to pray for it, but that's another blog) When she said this, it dawned on me. There is a bigger plan, it's not God that puts the stuff that gets under my skin into my life - it's the devil, and it's not always his pursuit of me that does it, sometimes its my pursuit of this world that does it. It was like a light bulb went off. I felt inspired, I felt that I had finally "got it" got the message God was trying to bring to me. He says, Grow with me, walk with me, and you will live abundantly. I see it now.

So, on the way home. I prayed. I turned down the radio, I asked God to reveal to me the beauty he wishes for me to see in this world. I've prayed this prayer a thousand times over it seems. I searched the sky for a shinier star..or perhaps a meteorite to shut down the road i have to use to get to work tomorrow..and those revelations didn't come. Then, I got a strong desire to look over my left shoulder, there in the sky was what looked like someone had stuck their finger in the sky and painted me a happy face. I laughed, and would easily of discounted it from being what I had asked had it stopped there. The grin did spark memories of my trip to the Aquarium to celebrate the gift of Makenna on her birthday last May. A stingray had swam over me in a tunnel that goes through one of the tanks, and I noticed how they looked like they smiled, I snapped a picture and thought how appropriate it was Mak's favorite animal had a perpetual grin.  As I reminisced about my joyous days at the aquarium, and my last weekend of "normal" I heard a voice, a voice coming from deeper than my guts saying, No Jess, look again and SEE. I did. That grin I saw earlier was intentionally placed in a gigantic finger painting of a stingray, it's fins and tales gliding across the night sky, covering heavens for what seemed like forever. I cried, I looked again, I screamed, I felt loved, desired, and yes fulfilled.  I felt that what I was waiting for, for sooo long had been given to me. In a moment of peace and quiet - that I could be shown by God that he is there, and the desires of my true heart will be fulfilled when I calm myself, reflect on what I know, and choose to see what he blesses me with.
Life if Good. God is GREAT!

Just laying here, under my shield.

I have to admit, bbeginning Christmas Eve, as I looked under the tree and just felt there were toys missing I've been fighting a spiritual war. My armor feels thin, and my heart vulnerable. It's an interesting concept, when the conclusion is drawn that while you do not actively pursue the devil - he is actively pursuing you. This past week he is winning the battle, but that's all the war will be conquered in the powerful strength of our Lord's Grace and Promise. Strength wise, I feel like my only protection is to role in the fetal position, protect my heart and my guts and let him take the licks where they will matter the least.  I defend with what I can when I can, I pray that I will find a renewed strength as the sun rises in the morning and raise my sword again and fight valiantly.
I like how "The Message" shares Roman's 13:12-28
"But make sure that you don't get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God. The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing! God is putting the finishing touches on the salvation work he began when we first believed. We can't afford to waste a minute, must not squander these precious daylight hours in frivolity and indulgence, in sleeping around and dissipation, in bickering and grabbing everything in sight. Get out of bed and get dressed! Don't loiter and linger, waiting until the very last minute. Dress yourselves in Christ, and be up and about! "
"Be up and awake to what God is doing." I have a very good friend, that this is her prayer for her sisters in Christ. That to them will be revealed in this world, the beauty that God sees in them. This is the fact that I should find my peace and more so my strength in. That no matter how ugly I perceive the world, that's not God I see - it's the Devil. For God is GOOD, and only brings good and beauty. When I look for and appreciate what God has given Earth, I can see Heaven here.




So, if this is true, and if God does create beauty from ashes...why don't I see it. Why am I not prepared enough to take up the Armor of the Lord and fight? A God who loves me so much, that he refers to me as his child, and even more? Because, as powerful as God is he cannot work through me to combat evil unless I take up that sword, and as I've said before - take that step into the Jordan.
Or am I?
When I look at the elements of the armor, I see where I rest. I may not utilize it all, my sword of the spirit may be dropped, my feet may lose their grip. But I keep my faith steadfast, and even on the ground beaten, broken, and tired I can rest under the strength of the shield, I still have my belt, breast plate, and helmet, firmly attached as I did before this battle. But, even the best soldier will lose his sword when his actions are slower and weaker than that of his opponent, the armour is there to give him grace, and a second chance. Perhaps, the Devil is whispering to me that I'm losing...when in reality he is the one losing strength. It takes a prayer to God to send the Devil away, it takes a lot more action to allow him to overtake my life.

Never in my life, have to felt the love for God that I do today. Never, have I been so absolutely terrified that I'm going to mess it up. I pray for the comfort of Grace and the love and understanding I know our God has for us...just to come into my heart and convict me so thoroughly that it radiates through all my actions.

Life is good. God is great.

Passion to Serve

  “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’
“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
“They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’
“He will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
“Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”
Matthew 25:31-46
Are you doing for the least of these?
On January 16, 2011 I will participating in a half marathon to wear WorldVision's Team jersey and let the world know that I understand there is a need in Uganda for funding to help these individuals who have been through so much, be able to thrive. In March, I will lace up my sneakers again for the L.A. Half Marathon. I'm asking you, my readers to consider a small sacrifice that will make an enormous difference in a family halfway around the world that is praying for the assistance of World Vision.
Is your heart like mine tonight? Is God speaking to you, telling you that this life isn't about you? That there HAS to be more than what exist in your life? Have you prayed, meditated, know you have been called to shine your light beyond our boarders? If you have, donate 10 dollars and change a life!. Literally, a bypassed trip to Starbucks, putting back a cute shirt you can't live without, or not buying a couple PEOPLE magazines at the check out counter could provide fresh water, a goat, or schooling for a child in a war torn country, that is religiously oppressed and surround by Guerrilla warfare.
Or do you want to be more? Sponsoring a child is a great option. It's my goal to bring five friends to sponsor a child, for 35 dollars a month. This child will be from the village my church Sandals is supporting, working cooperatively with WorldVision. Sponsoring a child is a personal experience, you can send letters, receive them, send gifts throughout the year, AND if you're a member of Sandals Church you may be able to meet your child one day!
Do this prayerfully. When in doubt on a decision to make; your knees are a good place to start! The more I pray, the more I listen, the more I am convicted that I am called to radiate God's love. That WorldVision is an awesome ministry to support.  So I ask, pray - listen- then act on it!
Life is Good. God is Great!

My Heart.

I often pride myself on not being the "touchy feely huggy kissy" girl that frequents the environments I do. You know the type, the one that catches every one's eye when they walk in, with the million dollar smiles, and a look so genuine she just radiates love. They kind you might - I dunno envy? Or is it just me? Perhaps, I pride myself on being the opposite but I desire to BE her, and feel that I fall short. I desire to be, Captivating.
Never before has that word meant as much to me as it does now, after reading the book and participating in an awesome bible study, I have a new understanding of the word. I want to be desired, pursued, and play a bigger role in this world, so big that people want to hear my story. To see how God has worked through me.
That takes work. It takes a changed heart. Not the one that prides herself on concealing emotions, when she really wants to be relentless in sharing her love with everyone. It takes the conviction of becoming passionate to pursue a God-Like-Life and make this world we live in a New Reality. To chase commandments and commissions that aren't of this world but of Heaven and enjoy abundant love here in this world, as we will when Jesus returns and our world is new.
So, how do I get to this change of heart? How do I have a heart that doesn't desire the broader road, even when my body is tired? How do I find that place? Well, I was put there. On February 21,2010 I was lifted by belt loops and shirt collar and placed on the tiniest road in the thickest wood, then a whisper came into my heart and said, "Jessica, follow me." I'll admit my initial desire to truly follow that tiny road and live a life like Jesus was born of fear. At the time I felt like I had no choice but to listen to that whisper, my one goal was heaven and I knew who I had to follow to get there. I sure as heck had NO desire to stay in those woods alone. Now, the farther I've walked with him the brighter I've let my light shine. It's been crazy hard, trying to protect my light as I'm lead through valleys, over mountains, enduring all this life has to offer - all while attempting to keep the devil from blowing out my light. Has he won? Absolutely, my lights been blown out, dunked in water, and frozen to ice. But you know what's good about God's grace? I just need to ask for another light, then build a better cover and keep following. From where I'm standing, I can see the easier road, the flatter ground with more glitz and glamour. However, after all the hills I've climbed these last ten months I have a pretty clear view of where those roads lead, and I can safely say it isn't anywhere good. So now, I focus on growing my heart to desire the narrow road and not just my brain convincing my body the right things to display. I figure my legs will move better up the steepest hills when it's motivatedby the conviction of my heart and mind.
I truly believe when my heart and mind align, when my conviction in my beliefs turns into a passion for Christ, he will work amazing things through my actions and in my life. I will have abundance and happiness like I have never experienced. I don't have to wait for heaven for that, I can pursue that here. I heard a story on the radio the other day. A man was telling a friend about his surgeon, how nice and compassionate he was during his time of need. How he is so thankful to have met such a great man, that he is almost glad that he had to have the surgery. Then it clicked, I've been looking for "beauty to rise" from the death of Makenna. I was looking for something big, huge, monumental - then I found it. In my own heart, in my life, Makenna taught me in her death what I neglected to see in the miracle of her birth and her sister's birth and their lives. I didn't see the power of God's grace, until she was gone. How a sinner, could be on her knees praying to a God and doubting his existence in the same thought one hour, then feel his power the next is beyond me. When Makenna left, God came. Stronger than ever before, he whispered to my heart to follow him and I will. My "beauty is rising" and now I can see. Rest safe in Gods love tonight Baby Girl, Mommy loves you.
Life is Good. God is Great.