Saturday, June 2, 2012
So, now what?
I read recently that sometimes the greatest step into faith, comes from a moment of non belief. Perhaps, I have shared before that following the moments after Makenna's accident I fell to my knees in prayer and instead of asking for healing, instead of pleading for her survival, my heart was doubting. Satan, used my heart - popped into my head and whispered "is he really there Jess?" and for a moment for that crucial moment I doubted, in my head leap the thought "Is anyone listening?" Most of that day was surreal. A large percentage of that day felt as though I was living someone else's life - that for some reason I was dreaming up the storyline to a hit Lifetime movie that I just couldn't wake up from. However, the one thing that was very real was God's presence. It stuck, that love and safety I felt knowing his presence lit my heart on FIRE to serve. I craved to become a better servant to move closer to him. To try and follow him to do what he called me to do. But, reflecting now - perhaps my heart was in the wrong place for that. In reality, I was pursuing HIS knowledge. That maybe if I was a good enough Christian, he would answer my "why." That he would whisper into a dream, provide a vivid vision, or reveal a miracle that would tell me exactly why my cards were dealt the way they were. Exactly why I had to have this life. In my true new reality I was pursuing God the way the shy boy in high school pursues his crushes best friend. To get the information I needed not get what my heart truly desired.
Now, as my faith matures the answers that may come to my "whys" are not mine to know and I shy from wanting to seek them. As my faith grows and I learn more about his unrelenting love I see that I can trust his plan even if I don't know all the facts guiding it. I have learned that I can sit and be still, listen and be lead. Not that it is easy, it's incredibly difficult. If you know one thing about me it's my lack of patience and my inability to take things one day at a time. I'm learning it's necessary, very much so to wait until the time is right. So now what do I do?
For so long, my identity was "Jessica, who's daughter died." So many of my "friends" rallied around me for the time after the accident, then disappeared. Many if them stayed as well, but no relationship are the same. For so long my faith, had an ulterior motive. For so long, I was surviving and not choosing to live. So here I am, moving forward finding what my heart has always truly desired. Two years ago I thought I had evolved, reminiscent of how I felt as a preteen embarking on a new life, thinking I had it figured out. I had a goal in mind, one I would never reach. So now, I don't have a goal. My desires are to serve and love. I continue to reevaluated my heart, my intents, and my actions frequently to evolve endlessly as my relationship with God grows. Today, I say "So, now what?" I wait in silence, but the gentle push of the holy spirit to say, "This way Jess, he's there."
Life is good.
God is great.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Where are you Christmas?
Going into this Holiday season, didn't exactly begin with what I had envisioned. People I truly care about were dealing with death, cancer, fatal health diagnosis, and just hurt. I myself was dealing with a relationship going through a time of change. To be completely honest, the holidays were something that I wanted to not happen. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas...all of it could just be boxed up and thrown away. I was ready to settle with just "everyday" ...well everyday. How do you celebrate when hurt? How do you "fa la la la la" when you just want to run away where no one knows you? Well, I guess I should of known, well before the Grinch settled into my cold heart, that the best place to start when your world feels like it is falling apart, is to your knees. I wish I could of said that my landing there was of my own will and heart, but it truly was the Holy Spirit making my knees go out and saying "HEY, remember me?"
So, where IS Christmas. I know for sure it's not there in the stuff I got on Black Friday, but it might of been mixed in among all the laughter and chit chat I had with my Mom as we browsed through WONDERFUL applique holiday sweaters (stay tuned for Christmas morning pictures, where the model will be wearing her very own). I doubt it's in the turkey Kevin and I cooked on Thanksgiving, but the flavor of laughter and joy was pouring from the loved ones around that table. I may also be willing to admit, that Christmas isn't in those sugar cookies I'll bake with Cheyenne this week...or my inability to "gift" ones that aren't quite right - but there is no doubt in my soul that those moments I spend covered in flour and sugar with the little girl that God has let me keep will have Christmas written all over it.
I know it sounds cheesy, and maybe a little cliche to write about the spirit of Christmas, but it's what I need right now. It's what those who I know who are hurting NEED right now. Jesus didn't just come to earth on Christmas day so many years ago just to forgive our sins. He came here to teach us how to live! To love one another and share that love. God also blessed us with relationships to cultivate and grow with the spirit of love, service, time, and experience. This is where Christmas is. Celebrate the blessings given to us my a gracious and loving God, but loving on those he puts in our lives. So, if that's demonstrated this year with Christmas cards, presents, sugar cookies, lights, and songs - then I am "fa la la ing" all the way through December. Christmas isn't a time to reflect on my blessings, it's a time to be a blessing. Through that, I'm sure I'll find Christmas this year.
Life is Good. God is Great.
"Teacher, which command in God's Law is the most important?"
Jesus said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.' These two commands are pegs; everything in God's Law and the Prophets hangs from them."
Matthew 22:37-40 (The Message)
So, where IS Christmas. I know for sure it's not there in the stuff I got on Black Friday, but it might of been mixed in among all the laughter and chit chat I had with my Mom as we browsed through WONDERFUL applique holiday sweaters (stay tuned for Christmas morning pictures, where the model will be wearing her very own). I doubt it's in the turkey Kevin and I cooked on Thanksgiving, but the flavor of laughter and joy was pouring from the loved ones around that table. I may also be willing to admit, that Christmas isn't in those sugar cookies I'll bake with Cheyenne this week...or my inability to "gift" ones that aren't quite right - but there is no doubt in my soul that those moments I spend covered in flour and sugar with the little girl that God has let me keep will have Christmas written all over it.
I know it sounds cheesy, and maybe a little cliche to write about the spirit of Christmas, but it's what I need right now. It's what those who I know who are hurting NEED right now. Jesus didn't just come to earth on Christmas day so many years ago just to forgive our sins. He came here to teach us how to live! To love one another and share that love. God also blessed us with relationships to cultivate and grow with the spirit of love, service, time, and experience. This is where Christmas is. Celebrate the blessings given to us my a gracious and loving God, but loving on those he puts in our lives. So, if that's demonstrated this year with Christmas cards, presents, sugar cookies, lights, and songs - then I am "fa la la ing" all the way through December. Christmas isn't a time to reflect on my blessings, it's a time to be a blessing. Through that, I'm sure I'll find Christmas this year.
Life is Good. God is Great.
"Teacher, which command in God's Law is the most important?"
Jesus said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.' These two commands are pegs; everything in God's Law and the Prophets hangs from them."
Matthew 22:37-40 (The Message)
Monday, September 5, 2011
It SUCKS
People dying SUCKS. Sucks bad. No matter what outcome you are convicted of what happens once an individual takes their final breath, the truth of the matter is, it SUCKS to still be the one living and missing that person. It sucks to still be the one who has to wake up the next morning, start the coffee, and figure out how to pursue the new reality without them. Whether they were your daughter, son, sister, brother, wife, husband, mom, dad, grand parent, friend, or third cousin twice removed. In the end, it sucks.
There really aren't words to console, or a single act of empathy that will make the world better. NOTHING, changes the fact that the last hug has happened and a year from now you'll probably be struggling to remember how that hug felt or what their voice sounded like. You'll be standing their holding a new child, saying bye to another family member, or high fiving a friend and wonder for a slight second - wait what did it feel like to be next to that person...and why am I forgetting. At that moment you'll feel like crap.
See, it all comes down to the situation just SUCKING.
Now, I'm a boot strap and big girl panties kind of lady. I truly believe that life is what it is. Doesn't mean I don't truly believe that it hurts bad sometimes. I do believe that. But, I also truly believe in the cliche' that everything happens for a reason. That one day after I've endured the valleys, the shadows, and the whithered grape vines in God's plan for me I will see "why." I've seen it revealed already. In amazing friendships I have received over the years, new loves, personal growth, and my awaken yearning to seek God in my life. Those things all came from one event that SUCKED, that sucked so bad I didn't know how I was going to get off the hospital floor much less change my whole reality and take an entirely new path. But, here I am and while I might not understand why the pawn that was moved was Makenna, I do understand I was purposefully placed to be sitting in front of my computer on September 5, 2011 at 9:56 p.m.
Tonight, I have two women in my heart that are hurting bad. One lost a Husband, and is now trying to figure out life as a single mom. Another, lost a Sister and is now enduring the loss of two people in her life this summer as her Father passed away not too long ago. Tonight, I pray that God whispers into their hearts his promise, perhaps the same promise I heard that day - standing in the sun and seeing the trees blow in the breeze. I pray that through this cold time in their life that they feel spring is coming back, through the hard times that things will grow and blossom and they will see the beautiful purpose that God has for them. I pray that they know they are loved, and that God shows those in their lives how to love on them. I pray that peace comes to their hearts through the knowledge of the love and grace given to them so freely by a God who seeks only good for his children.
You know who you are, and I love you.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:25-30
Life is Good. God is great.
There really aren't words to console, or a single act of empathy that will make the world better. NOTHING, changes the fact that the last hug has happened and a year from now you'll probably be struggling to remember how that hug felt or what their voice sounded like. You'll be standing their holding a new child, saying bye to another family member, or high fiving a friend and wonder for a slight second - wait what did it feel like to be next to that person...and why am I forgetting. At that moment you'll feel like crap.
See, it all comes down to the situation just SUCKING.
Now, I'm a boot strap and big girl panties kind of lady. I truly believe that life is what it is. Doesn't mean I don't truly believe that it hurts bad sometimes. I do believe that. But, I also truly believe in the cliche' that everything happens for a reason. That one day after I've endured the valleys, the shadows, and the whithered grape vines in God's plan for me I will see "why." I've seen it revealed already. In amazing friendships I have received over the years, new loves, personal growth, and my awaken yearning to seek God in my life. Those things all came from one event that SUCKED, that sucked so bad I didn't know how I was going to get off the hospital floor much less change my whole reality and take an entirely new path. But, here I am and while I might not understand why the pawn that was moved was Makenna, I do understand I was purposefully placed to be sitting in front of my computer on September 5, 2011 at 9:56 p.m.
Tonight, I have two women in my heart that are hurting bad. One lost a Husband, and is now trying to figure out life as a single mom. Another, lost a Sister and is now enduring the loss of two people in her life this summer as her Father passed away not too long ago. Tonight, I pray that God whispers into their hearts his promise, perhaps the same promise I heard that day - standing in the sun and seeing the trees blow in the breeze. I pray that through this cold time in their life that they feel spring is coming back, through the hard times that things will grow and blossom and they will see the beautiful purpose that God has for them. I pray that they know they are loved, and that God shows those in their lives how to love on them. I pray that peace comes to their hearts through the knowledge of the love and grace given to them so freely by a God who seeks only good for his children.
You know who you are, and I love you.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:25-30
Life is Good. God is great.
Monday, July 4, 2011
God Be With You 'til We Meet Again
What an amazing Independence Day weekend. I've spent it in Ramona, California with Kevin, his children, and Cheyenne. The laughter, genuine love, and acceptance of visiting family - reminds me if my own. 4th's of the past were fun and exciting, days of sparklers and homemade strawberry ice cream. Ooooooh, and those ash snake things, that you lit the pellets and the expanded? My family's building up the little ones again, all the holidays are getting more exciting as the new generation gets older - but there was a time I wondered if Chey would have the wonderful memories I did.
Then, this weekend happened. Lori, Kevin's "Aunt" is an amazing woman. She coordinated this weekend with 45 family members and friends, great food, and traditions. One new one was singing a hymn called "God be with you till we meet again." The family gathered around a grand piano and sang it. Some, like Kevin and his Father sing melodically, while others sang with "heart" as I like to call it. The song sang of God's protection and his promise, it reminds one of his love and grace, and for me it reminded me of God answering my prayers and putting more and more people in my life who show his love, show me this world is not to be dismissed for its wonders and joys...that life is good and that God is great.
Happy Independence Day!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Then, this weekend happened. Lori, Kevin's "Aunt" is an amazing woman. She coordinated this weekend with 45 family members and friends, great food, and traditions. One new one was singing a hymn called "God be with you till we meet again." The family gathered around a grand piano and sang it. Some, like Kevin and his Father sing melodically, while others sang with "heart" as I like to call it. The song sang of God's protection and his promise, it reminds one of his love and grace, and for me it reminded me of God answering my prayers and putting more and more people in my life who show his love, show me this world is not to be dismissed for its wonders and joys...that life is good and that God is great.
Happy Independence Day!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Friday, July 1, 2011
It's Independence Day....
Makenna's death, was my Independence Day. Makenna getting to go to Heaven gave me a passage to my Independence. I'm sure that sounds horrible. I'm positive I have readers who can't quite comprehend the logic behind my belief. I do NOT believe that Makenna was taken from this world because I didn't pay attention to the countless other slaps upside the head I had recieved to provide a acceptable way to leave. I do believe that The growth that I had spirtually from her death, provided me with the faith I needed to pack up and leave. To trust God, that he would provide.
I believe that prayer isn't about asking "why," I think that's doubting God's plan. You know, like when you tell you child to make their bed, they say "why" and you really want to say "because I said so, I'm the boss." Prayer for me has evolved into asking for clarity, for guidance, for the answer to "what." As in "Okay God, what the HECK am I supposed to do with this one." This clarity, came to me on Februaru 21, 2010. I had just hung up the phone, after making two very hard phone calls. The reality of never holding Makenna again sank in, when I realized that my heart was being drawn to move. But to what? I looked up, the sun was setting between two houses, the wind was blowing, a tree stood bold and strong. I heard traffic, children playing, people talking and I felt God. I whispered, a prayer from my heart "what do I do with this?" Without hesistation I heard "my plan Jess."
What is that plan? It's amazing. Since the day I began gaining independence from this world, and starting to trust in the plan that God has for me amazing things have happened. I've gained insight to amazing friendships, been loved in ways I never thought I would be, and my beauty, worth and purpose is continually being revealed. Pursuing the "what" is pretty awesome! Live intentionally, still your heart and listen, enjoy this life for all it's worth. That's my Independence.
God's love is awe inspiring
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. 12"When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. 13-14"When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." God's Decree. "I'll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back
I believe that prayer isn't about asking "why," I think that's doubting God's plan. You know, like when you tell you child to make their bed, they say "why" and you really want to say "because I said so, I'm the boss." Prayer for me has evolved into asking for clarity, for guidance, for the answer to "what." As in "Okay God, what the HECK am I supposed to do with this one." This clarity, came to me on Februaru 21, 2010. I had just hung up the phone, after making two very hard phone calls. The reality of never holding Makenna again sank in, when I realized that my heart was being drawn to move. But to what? I looked up, the sun was setting between two houses, the wind was blowing, a tree stood bold and strong. I heard traffic, children playing, people talking and I felt God. I whispered, a prayer from my heart "what do I do with this?" Without hesistation I heard "my plan Jess."
What is that plan? It's amazing. Since the day I began gaining independence from this world, and starting to trust in the plan that God has for me amazing things have happened. I've gained insight to amazing friendships, been loved in ways I never thought I would be, and my beauty, worth and purpose is continually being revealed. Pursuing the "what" is pretty awesome! Live intentionally, still your heart and listen, enjoy this life for all it's worth. That's my Independence.
God's love is awe inspiring
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. 12"When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. 13-14"When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." God's Decree. "I'll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Heaven's Still The Face of a Little Girl...
I struggle with this often. It's a blatant and real reminder of the idol I created in my children. I woke with the sunrise this morning, to Cheyenne's "Mommy?" as she checked to see if I was awake to climb into my bed and snuggle up, I held her and began to think about today, well more accurately I began to reflect on the last few Easters.
Easter 2009
I was very pregnant with Makenna Jo. Cheyenne and I had spent the night at my Mom's the night before Easter and to be honest all I can really remember, is sitting on a blow up mattress watching Chey check out her Elmo Easter basket...and thinking - next year I get to pick out two!
Easter 2010
Bittersweet. All I could remember was my thoughts of the year prior...and my plans for two Easter baskets. Two sweet little girls in frilly dresses and lace socks, that wasn't God plan. No, instead on Easter morning it was one little girl in a not so frilly dress and no lace socks. I remember struggling, my only holiday without Makenna Jo, that I never got to see her. I found peace in knowing it's because he has risen that I can dream of heaven, of her face.
Easter 2011
Wow, how this year has matured and deepened my desire to praise and serve a wonderful and merciful God. God has continually showed me his grace and love through trials and MORESO through blessings in 2011. Yet, on Easter morning I realize how selfish my heart truly is and how much I'm not able to give up to God yet. How I still believe that my plan was better, and how much my kids are still an idol.
How am I selfish? To think of ME on this morning, to think of who I desire most to see in my life right now in heaven is Makenna, and NOT the man who willingly endured EXCRUCIATING pain to provide the means to allow my broken soul to enter into the Kingdom of God. Who am I supposed to be worshipping here? God. But, if I'm real - I allow Makenna to get in between us. As much as her death has lead me to God, it's lead me their selfishly, to get back what I believe is rightfully mine. God, please forgive me.
Agape, is God like love. The bible says, we should love how we are loved. Im pretty sure God doesn't love me selfishly, he doesn't love me for what I am capable of doing- he loves me because of who he is and his heart. I pray that I learn to love closer to that.
Abraham was willing to put his son on an Altar, and Mary's son willing put himself on a altar on Calvary - both needed to trust God's plan and see that it was for a greater purpose. God reveals his plan on his time. I see how Makenna has been a vessel brought to share God's love. I see it in my life - through my deepened relationship in Christ, in friends who have begun their walk, and in family who have loosened their grasp on things no of this world. People whom I love, that I pray will walk through the Gates of Heaven and see the true realization of the reality of God's love. The reality we are only able to see because God sacrificed his own son for a bigger plan. So this year I pray, that my Love for God continues to mature to a state closer to selfless, that my actions, words and desires mature to glorify a God who has an amazing plan for each of his creations, all we need is a little faith.
Praise God!
Jesus has risen.
He has risen indeed.
Life is Good. God is Great.
Easter 2009
I was very pregnant with Makenna Jo. Cheyenne and I had spent the night at my Mom's the night before Easter and to be honest all I can really remember, is sitting on a blow up mattress watching Chey check out her Elmo Easter basket...and thinking - next year I get to pick out two!
Easter 2010
Bittersweet. All I could remember was my thoughts of the year prior...and my plans for two Easter baskets. Two sweet little girls in frilly dresses and lace socks, that wasn't God plan. No, instead on Easter morning it was one little girl in a not so frilly dress and no lace socks. I remember struggling, my only holiday without Makenna Jo, that I never got to see her. I found peace in knowing it's because he has risen that I can dream of heaven, of her face.
Easter 2011
Wow, how this year has matured and deepened my desire to praise and serve a wonderful and merciful God. God has continually showed me his grace and love through trials and MORESO through blessings in 2011. Yet, on Easter morning I realize how selfish my heart truly is and how much I'm not able to give up to God yet. How I still believe that my plan was better, and how much my kids are still an idol.
How am I selfish? To think of ME on this morning, to think of who I desire most to see in my life right now in heaven is Makenna, and NOT the man who willingly endured EXCRUCIATING pain to provide the means to allow my broken soul to enter into the Kingdom of God. Who am I supposed to be worshipping here? God. But, if I'm real - I allow Makenna to get in between us. As much as her death has lead me to God, it's lead me their selfishly, to get back what I believe is rightfully mine. God, please forgive me.
Agape, is God like love. The bible says, we should love how we are loved. Im pretty sure God doesn't love me selfishly, he doesn't love me for what I am capable of doing- he loves me because of who he is and his heart. I pray that I learn to love closer to that.
Abraham was willing to put his son on an Altar, and Mary's son willing put himself on a altar on Calvary - both needed to trust God's plan and see that it was for a greater purpose. God reveals his plan on his time. I see how Makenna has been a vessel brought to share God's love. I see it in my life - through my deepened relationship in Christ, in friends who have begun their walk, and in family who have loosened their grasp on things no of this world. People whom I love, that I pray will walk through the Gates of Heaven and see the true realization of the reality of God's love. The reality we are only able to see because God sacrificed his own son for a bigger plan. So this year I pray, that my Love for God continues to mature to a state closer to selfless, that my actions, words and desires mature to glorify a God who has an amazing plan for each of his creations, all we need is a little faith.
Praise God!
Jesus has risen.
He has risen indeed.
Life is Good. God is Great.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
God Bless the Broken Road...
I'm sure you've heard the song, or can at least respond to the idea. It's easy to say that when you're in a good place, a spot when your plan has lined up with God's. I played this Rascal Flatt's song at my wedding to Colt, in October of 2006. It was sweet, endearing - the perfect "aaah schucks" song.
Now, I'm in a completely different place. A place the road I had planned on taking never would of brought me to. Perhaps someone needs to write "God Bless the wacky teleporter" that's what my life feels like so often! There I am going merrily about my way, in my own little world and BAM! It feels like I'm living an entire new reality. No where near that road; heck the city or state I was in before God's plan changed mine.
Today, I'm in a wonderful place. A place that I can see that God loves me. Through the people, opportunities, and experiences he has put in my life. Things are happening in my life that can only be attributed to the grace, mercy, and abundant love of my King of Kings.
So, I will rest, come to God in silence now. While it seems the teleporter has taken a moment to allow me to enjoy this place, and I'll praise God for it.
Considering everything I cannot change, the blessings I have received, and the convictions and desires in my heart I am thankful that God has blessed me with his plan. All of it. A plan that when I'm sitting around the campfire in Heaven, chatting it up with Noah about his Ark and John about his Baptisms, I can say "can you BELIEVE God used ME when _______."
Life is Good. God is Great.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
I'm sure you've heard the song, or can at least respond to the idea. It's easy to say that when you're in a good place, a spot when your plan has lined up with God's. I played this Rascal Flatt's song at my wedding to Colt, in October of 2006. It was sweet, endearing - the perfect "aaah schucks" song.
Now, I'm in a completely different place. A place the road I had planned on taking never would of brought me to. Perhaps someone needs to write "God Bless the wacky teleporter" that's what my life feels like so often! There I am going merrily about my way, in my own little world and BAM! It feels like I'm living an entire new reality. No where near that road; heck the city or state I was in before God's plan changed mine.
Today, I'm in a wonderful place. A place that I can see that God loves me. Through the people, opportunities, and experiences he has put in my life. Things are happening in my life that can only be attributed to the grace, mercy, and abundant love of my King of Kings.
So, I will rest, come to God in silence now. While it seems the teleporter has taken a moment to allow me to enjoy this place, and I'll praise God for it.
Considering everything I cannot change, the blessings I have received, and the convictions and desires in my heart I am thankful that God has blessed me with his plan. All of it. A plan that when I'm sitting around the campfire in Heaven, chatting it up with Noah about his Ark and John about his Baptisms, I can say "can you BELIEVE God used ME when _______."
Life is Good. God is Great.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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