Letter to Makadoo

Makadoo,
 I'm sorry that some days I try to forget you. That the only memories I dream up are those awful ones after the accident. That I get sucked into my "Me" world and wonder why my life had to be this way. I'm sorry I took you downstairs instead of just getting you dressed, and that I didn't call down sooner to ask Daddy to bring you up. I'm sorry I didn't start CPR sooner - I should of known. I'm sorry I went back to work - and didn't sacrifice more and stay at home with you and Chey - if I would of we wouldn't of had the money to try and take you to the zoo that morning. I'm also sorry you didnt get to see your monkey's that day.
I miss your laugh and your smile that your nose would wrinkle up. I miss those screams when you were excited. I miss how methodically you would exam new items, and how you would just take in new experiences. I miss how you could bring smiles to SO many peoples faces. I miss those noises you made when you drank a bottle, and how you would fight me so you could hold the bottle yourself. I miss you plopping that thumb into your mouth whenever you got sleepy and falling asleep wherever you saw fit. I miss you being in my belly - I miss your smell. I miss how you would pull off your socks and stick em in your mouth at your first opportunity. I miss watching you chew on dog bones. I'll miss you the rest of my life.
Thank you, for bringing me back to Jesus.  For showing me the depth of happiness and the depth of sadness. Thank you for showing me that patience is truly a virtue - I'm trying. Thank you for sharing your smiles with me. Thank you for letting me comfort you when you cried, feed you when you were hungry, dress you in cute clothes, and put pippy tails in your hair. Thanks for reaching for me when you needed to be held, and understanding a word to be patient when i couldn't get yah right away.  Thank you for bringing together some of the most wonderful friends I could EVER ask for. Thank you for all the things I think you did, but I cannot say aloud.
I've never bargained to have you back, not sure why. Guess I can be too rational at times. I struggle to keep my faith - and wonder so much where you are. I'm always lead back to the idea you're in heaven. I feel little phantom baby kicks in my guts a lot - a lot since you left. Sometimes I wonder if the last 2 years were a dream and you're really just beginning to grow in my belly - I would do anything to protect you. Sometimes I feel like I failed you, that I should of been stronger earlier. Just know Im not going to make the same mistakes twice, not anymore baby girl.
You've taught me so much about life and about death. About how hate isn't worth it and what love truly means. God made big things come through you, I am blessed in so many ways. I love you my Makadoo, I miss you so.
Love
Mommy

My vine, it has worms.

So, you remember Sunday School - and good ole Jonah. The guy that got swallowed up by the whale? Then vomited up on the shore? You know how he got there? Well he disobeyed God - he was supposed to go to Niniveh and tell the guys there to pull their heads out, to straighten up. He was scared to go and bailed, got on a boat, tried to hide from God, got kicked off the boat, swallowed by a fish, thrown up on the sand. THEN TO JUST  go to the place God told him to in the first place!  THEN he got to watch the city prosper as he sweated his butt off on the edge of town. It's Jonah and God's discussion there, on the edge of town that keeps creeping up into my head - you see it's hot, and being God is a giving God - so he grows a vine to shelter Jonah, then he gives him a WORM to kill the vine. It makes Jonah mad, he tells God he wants to die, God says no deal  - there are bigger things to fix. WHAT THE HECK.
So here I am, a whirlwind of a year, sitting out on the edge of town, enjoying my vine when BAM a worm eats another one. Im watching good things happen all around me, and I keep having these vines shrivel up just when the sweat starts to dry. Well, here I am God. Once again you have my attention - i'm trying to listen and trying not to be scared to be where you need me to be. BUT IT"S SCARY DOWN HERE! I know pain and struggles are part of this walk, and maybe it's easier to endure knowing the promise at the end - but the worms - they suck, the shade is nice.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Life is good. God is Great.

Casting my net....

            After Jesus rose from the dead he appeared to a number of people.  In particularly a group of fishermen who weren't catching fish - anonymously from the shore he called to them to put their net on the other side of the boat, they did - and their net was filled. It was then they looked back to the shore and saw it was Jesus, one man named Peter - (who had doubted Jesus countless times) jumped into the water and swam to Jesus, while the other fishermen rowed the boat to shore. Why is it, in desperation we will listen to the stranger on the shore? Why is it, that it takes a miracle or a hardship to remember the guidance and love that is offered by Jesus? Why is it that the ones who doubt the most - swim the fastest to that person on the shore - when their nets are full? Would peter of looked back had his net come up empty? What if it was only half full?
           If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. I've also heard that the definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting to get different results. Yet, I stay in my same old - expecting different results. I don't want to be there, and I'm listening for that voice on the shore to tell me that maybe, my net does belong on the other side of the boat. I've experienced the empty net, I've held in my grips a net full of fish, I've watched a load be ripped from my hands and carried out to sea. But I've never contemplated why - or why not those fish were there - not until I realized that with them I would be satisfied and without them I would hunger.
        I count on small miracles - from the moment I dropped to my knees, that terrible February morning I have been able to see them more clearly. It was truly miraculous that I was given the strength to stand back up, the opportunity to kiss my baby my last "I love yous," to being able to walk out of the hospital, to getting out of bed that next morning, to picking out a hot pink urn, to finding my voice to put her social security number on a death certificate. My fish weren't  breaking the net those days, but it was enough to live off. My net was on the right side, I gave it up to God and he provided exactly what I needed. From my own personal abilities to function, to the friends, family and clergy that functioned for me when I couldn't find my way. 
Now today, that my steps are stronger and my head is clearer I keep casting my net on the wrong side, pulling up empty, and not listening to the voice from the shore. Pulling up a net is a lot of work, and my shoulders are tired. This side of the boat has gotten awful familiar and this is where I am comfortable. Also, let's face it I'm pretty stubborn and sometimes fail to acknowledge that my way might not be the best!
So today, I'm gathering strength to pull my net - to face the fears of the other side of the boat and recast in better waters. I don't think this side will be free of hardships and trials, in fact I welcome them. I've been blessed with grace that is unmeasurable because of my struggles and have never felt closer to God. Yes, I pray that my net will be filled, I pray that I've heard his voice clearly, and I pray that I never forget to listen to that voice from the shore - or fail to see that it is in fact Jesus leading me to right where I'm supposed to be.

You're Gonna Miss this......

You're gonna miss this.  Wish I would of heard that more, or perhaps I should of listened better. Either way, I do. I miss a lot, have a lot of moments I truly wish I could of saved, times in my life I wished I could of enjoyed more fully and really took time to appreciate. Lots.
I wish I would of enjoyed High School a bit more, appreciated my career in the fire service, embraced being single and successful a while longer, and spent a couple more crazy Saturdays at the Stampede with my best friends. I wish I would of snuggled with my babies more, rather than rush to the next "to-do." Just let things happen, and if they happened slowly - to embrace it and understand that time happens for a reason as well.
I struggle with control, directions, and planning. I like the world to align with my perspective and will fight tooth and nail to get it there. In the proccess people call me agressive, driven, purposeful, me I see me as blind, numb, and stubborn. I don't like that part.  I want to relax, sit on the floor and color with Chey, wander on a walk reminiscing about Makenna, and more recently enjoy meeting new person and reliquishing to the moment instead of planning years of what -ifs. I need, I HAVE too...to me that is living.
So, I think I'll still be aggressive and purposeful - but see today for today and tomorrow for tomorrow and while goals are important there are no guarantees.  God, I'm giving up a lot to you - listening for your voice. I'm praying for contentment and happiness in my life today, but for that fire that keeps me keeping on to never blow out.

Friends

So this week it seems, that my friends and I are thinking a lot of each other.  I grew up with aquaintances, people who were there to fill the spot and not much more. We talked behind each other's backs, put each other down, and basically used each other. I craved a best friend that I could share growing up with - never had it. My brother did/does, he has a close knit group of friends that he hangs out with consistently and has for years. I however, am just beginning to form what I truly believe will be life long friendships, and honestly I wouldn't have it any other way.
From where I sit now, one of the only things I can say for sure is when you experience loss and heartbreak, you TRULY TRULY TRULY begin to appreciate the little things in life - like a text message from a friend letting you know they are praying for you, or a laugh at an inside joke when no one else is even around.  From my friend experiences growing up, I put up a defense and rarely let girl friends get close, to the point I avoided those relationships entirely. Then I had a series of incredible ladies come into my life, Crystal, came first, then Amy and Amanda, next up came Lynnette, then we moved to Virginia and I experienced my life changing year I met Christina, Carrie, Sarah, Shannon,Brenda, Janelle, Keesha, Michelle and Peyton, and finally Jennifer S.. Wow. So many different personalities in that group! Each offering completely different perspectives and personalities - yet each  aligning with me and forming friendships. I can't say how blessed I am to still have these ladies at my side through all the hardships and trials, through the joys and blessings the last year has presented. I tear up when I think how lucky I am to be able to call these incredible women friends.
For the first time in my life, i trust, respect, love, and truly MISS so many wonderful people. They are a blessing and along with my Mom and family my foundation, my back up when things get too tough for me to endure alone. I love you all!

Life is Good. God is Great.

Tired.

That kind of sums it up. I'm tired. Late nights, sleepless nights, stressful days, a 2 year old with an opinion, oh and not taking care of myself. Neglecting that everything I do to my whole body is a direct reflection on the way I intend to fulfill my purpose. Proverbs 23:21 is really raw about the downfall of gluttony, "For the drunk and the glutton shall come to poverty, and drowsiness shall clothe a man in rags." Wow, so get off your rump and get on getting on if you want to experiences prosperity. Simple concept - but oh the struggle to see it to reality. My NEW Reality.
There are three ingredients that I think make up the basics of humans, their physical, intellectual, and spiritual side.  I feel like I haven't paid enough attention to any of these realms, in doing so I have realized how intimately intertwined they are. My physical side is close to giving out - I can feel it. I'm tired when I wake up and twitching and antsy when it's time to go to sleep. This is BEYOND eating less cupcakes and going to the gym. This is about REALLY scrutinizing everything I do to my body, exercise, diet, and even commitments I make to others. I've been going to the gym regulary lately and I like it. I see my "temple" getting stronger. However, what I've been putting into my body is another story. I don't respect it and stress and unhappiness trigger a carb OVERLOAD, when I'm done I feel like crap - so I really have fixed the alleged problem (DOH!). I want to try and eat clean, more protient less simple carbs and more water. Theory says it takes 3 weeks to form a habit..so I'll get back to you in 21 days.
That being said, I'll address the intellectual and spritual side later...I'm beat.
Life is Good. God is Great.

Pslams 77

1 I cried out to God for help;


I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;

at night I stretched out untiring hands

and my soul refused to be comforted.



3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;

I mused, and my spirit grew faint.

Selah



4 You kept my eyes from closing;

I was too troubled to speak.



5 I thought about the former days,

the years of long ago;



6 I remembered my songs in the night.

My heart mused and my spirit inquired:



7 "Will the Lord reject forever?

Will he never show his favor again?



8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?

Has his promise failed for all time?



9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?

Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"

Selah



10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:

the years of the right hand of the Most High."



11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;

yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.



12 I will meditate on all your works

and consider all your mighty deeds.



13 Your ways, O God, are holy.

What god is so great as our God?



14 You are the God who performs miracles;

you display your power among the peoples.