New Reality - think that reality part is sinking in

Well, today was sentencing. Thought it would feel like closure, but really feels like so much is still up in the air. However, that little internal optimist is wiggling her way out again. The one who I smother far to often with "me" thoughts, forgetting who is the master of my purpose on this earth and looking at my own desires. The outside "me" is mad and angry that THIS is my life. That one day I'll explain to Cheyenne what happened when she was so very young, that everytime I get close to someone and share my story I'll either risk losing them - or spread the pain a little further. I wonder what the purpose is behind it all, why this is my life. The girl from the small urban town who lived a typical life and just tried to live out the american dream why me? .... then I wonder why NOT me.
I'm a sinner. I've done things wrong, been motivated by the wrong desires, found sanctuary in this world - neglecting to recognize the grace that influenced my life everyday. I've turned away from the poor, tired, and hungry. I'm no saint, that's for sure. I don't deserve any blessing I have recieved, and SO SO SO often neglected to put the praise where it's  needed.
I've come to realize, that God made this girl pretty dang tough. I've experienced a lot in my life, a lot that would scar and defeat a lot of people. God's been prepping me for this moment. That I could be a stronger vessel - strengthened through fire and truly realize that beauty WILL rise. 
So tonight I'm praying that his light will radiate through me, that I can show the grace of God through my life, my daily actions.

My prayer is to be like Ruth....

Wow. Never had a "bible hero" ... well I mean aside from the obvious. Someone who I've come to learn about and really can aspire to be like.  Ruth went through hard times, lost people she loved, didn't have somewhere to call home, was given an easy way out and chose to be faithful. In the end she was blessed with the basics and given a husband and a family. How much more could a gal ask for? How wonderful can our God be?
So many of you have traveled this dark valley with me, so many of you have conquered the hills right along beside me - or in some cases given me that extra shove! How faithful have you all been in our relaitonships. I don't have to name anyone. You know who you are. Today, Im really commiting to being that back to each and everyone of you. To understand that my trials are just that, trials. Not defining events in my life upon which every other decision has to be based on. They test me, my strength, faith, heart, courage, and they've tested those I care about.  Most of all they have taught me. That God has blessed me and continues to. Ive got the best and friends and family. Ones I know I can turn to. No bigger blessing than that.
I feel like the light is shining in front of me, that the shadows have shortened and the world truly is brighter. I've chased the darkness to find the light, because I've had the best running along right beside me.   I pray that the Lord blesses you, and see that each of your individual purposes has shown sooo brightly in my life. Love you all.