The Life I Always Wanted?

I thought I had to figured out. I thought I had it. A husband, a home, two darling little girls, a job I truly enjoyed, even the pup and two nice cars. In one moment it was ripped away from me, all but Cheyenne. How I hold onto that....how I pray NOW that it's God's will that she won't leave me. Looking back on that equation I can see what is missing.
But who am I to ask for God's grace if I neglect the way of life he wants for me? How do  know what that way is unless I strengthen that relationship? There is a place in my heart that believes things were taken from me because I wasn't where I belonged. I wasn't walking where I should be. I don't know if this is true, I don't know where to find the answers...all I know NOW is I have to do well with what I have. For the first time, I truly want to know what it means to be a Christian. Sure,  believe in God and Jesus. But, I get to analytical about think and wonder if I can trust my heart. I don't think faith existin the brain. (is that an oxymoron?)
Now, where do I start? From the beginning? From the end? Jump into a yearly devotional...or perhap just read Chey a book from her beginner bible? I DON'T know...perhaps, that means I should pray...but then that just opens a brand new can of worms...how do I do that? I've heard about structures, about just having a conversation - I want to do this right!
Today in Church this was the topic, how to get the life I wanted...is by following God's will.

1. Know God and Jesus Christ
Sure, I could tell you about the miracles of Jesus Christ and the Awesomeness of God, but I can't tell you what comes next. Im very much the Freshman in the University of Christianity. We might have been in a relationship for a while, but I still have the first date jitters. I need to work on this.
2. Practice living the life Jesus lived.
Perhaps, those WWJD bracelets did mean something. No, being a nice person isn't the only thing that gets yah into heaven, but it sure does help. Could you imagine if Jesus walked on water, but was rolling his eyes and thinking about his next stunt in the process? Cured leprosy while cursing that he had to be around the person to begin with? Had fed millions from two baskets of food, and muttered under his breath about welfare and social reform? Wouldn't of had the same effect.
4. Live a life of Service to God.
Wow. My whole life? I have been praying about this for a while. Im very interested in international missions - until now for the wrong reasons. Im praying to be put where Im needed.
5. Learn to love your church like God did.
WHAT??? These people don't even say hi to ME. Then again, I don't say hi to them.  I say, I'll wait until I know more people, until I am more comfortabe. But why? So this week, Im praying for the courage to say hello, to share a smile,to strike up a conversation.
Im struggling, but treading water. I can see land, but still tasting the salt. One day, one prayer at a time.
John 17:1-9

MY New Reality

To say I'm not where I thought I would be today, would be the greatest of understatements. It's 4:16 a.m. May 15th, 2010. Im sitting in a hotel room, in Santa Maria California watching the Sex in the City Movie. A year ago I may have been awake, but then I was holding a piece of my heart in my arms, nuturing her. Now, my heart is in my throat - and I long to be nutured. I came to the realization early that I would have big changes in my life, moving, living without Makenna, raising Cheyenne as a single Mommy...depending on people - I had tried SO hard to be independent of. Until this weekend, it never occured to me the new relationship I would have to form with myself. I've lost a lot.....
I won't say the five years I was married to Colt were horrific, yes there were times I wish had never happened, but they did. I experienced my highest highs with him...and sadly my lowest lows. I've learned what love is and what love isn't. I've learned where true strength comes from, and the courage it takes to use it. I also learned, that above all else I CAN'T settle anymore. I can't. I know deep down that every human being is fully entitled and fully capable of seeking happiness and I am no exception.
I know what I would wish for if I had a lamp to rub - but the fact is I don't. In fact, my wishes are so objective, so internal I don't think any genie would be able to fullfill them. Perhaps, that has been my problem all along. All my life, I have searched in others for happiness, for fullfillment. But tonight, for the first time I realize that what Im searching for doesn't come from anyone else. If it did, Im sure with my tenacity I would of found it by now. Some google search SURELY would of lead me to enlightenment and happiness. Ruling out the possibility of finding happiness and fullfillment in someone else, and understanding the fact that all people can be genuinely happy, shows me it's MY choice to look at this world as one filled with opportunity and excitement...and selfless fullfilling happiness. Or, it's my choice to let someone else determine when it's okay..or when Im eligible to be happy. 
See, true happiness isn't given, it's pursued. It comes from the selfless love of a genuine heart acting on what it feels, not on what is censored by the brain. It's when my heart swells when I hear a bird chirping outside the window, when Cheyenne cuddles up to me in the middle of the night, and when I recollect the smiles and laughs my Makenna was SO selfless to share.
I've had happiness in my life, but always craved more. Always wanted to scale the next moutain to see the next valley. Which is GREAT if I take the time to enjoy the view, the smells, the feelings, and truly taste the ups and downs of life, as well as the strolls though wide open pastures, where Im free to explore the flowers, bask in the sun, and see up close in true detail what I admired from a far.
So today, this morning. i've decided it will be the pursuit for happiness that needs to be enjoyed. All the little flowers and rays of sunshine it offers along the way. I'll appreciate the satisfaction that comes along the climb to the summit. My mountains won't be smaller, my valley's any less grand - but those little pieces along the way will be appreciated for what they are - the pretty bits and the nasty bits that make up our lives. The bits that refine our pursuit.

What's the big idea?

What IS the big idea? My frien Donald Duck, he's not the coolest cube in the tray. He gets lit up like a firecracker when things don't go QUITE his way. He vaguely reminds me of someone I know...just can't put my finger on it. Perhaps, she has a lesson to learn from him. Almost always, in Donad's frustrations he screams out "What's the big idea?" Could this actually being Donald trying to figure out his place in the world, or maybe, just perhaps, he has momentary realizations that his frustrations are not the end to the larger plan.That the possibility exist, that the world does not revolve around a single being on earth. Yet, revovles around a single plan determined by our Our God, the most awesome God.
Pretty deep revalation for watching Playhouse Disney one may conclude. But, when you have a two year old you take your moral lessons where you can get em. This morning Donald Duck seemed pretty deep.
He got me thinking about how I get mad. I get lit up quicker than a firecracker on Fourth of July! But, I simmer down faster than an ice cube melts in death valley. I identify with Donald - I feel his immediate frustrations. However, I don't want to be identified AS Donald. I would hope my speech was slightly clearer and my frustrations not so openly animated. Taking the time to consider what the "big idea" really is could save me some energy and frustrations - as well and making my corner of the world a little more peaceful.
I pray and meditate that I listen and hear, then act upon my purpose in fullfilling the larger idea...not losing sight of the greater purpose in my momentary spasms of frustration.