MY New Reality

To say I'm not where I thought I would be today, would be the greatest of understatements. It's 4:16 a.m. May 15th, 2010. Im sitting in a hotel room, in Santa Maria California watching the Sex in the City Movie. A year ago I may have been awake, but then I was holding a piece of my heart in my arms, nuturing her. Now, my heart is in my throat - and I long to be nutured. I came to the realization early that I would have big changes in my life, moving, living without Makenna, raising Cheyenne as a single Mommy...depending on people - I had tried SO hard to be independent of. Until this weekend, it never occured to me the new relationship I would have to form with myself. I've lost a lot.....
I won't say the five years I was married to Colt were horrific, yes there were times I wish had never happened, but they did. I experienced my highest highs with him...and sadly my lowest lows. I've learned what love is and what love isn't. I've learned where true strength comes from, and the courage it takes to use it. I also learned, that above all else I CAN'T settle anymore. I can't. I know deep down that every human being is fully entitled and fully capable of seeking happiness and I am no exception.
I know what I would wish for if I had a lamp to rub - but the fact is I don't. In fact, my wishes are so objective, so internal I don't think any genie would be able to fullfill them. Perhaps, that has been my problem all along. All my life, I have searched in others for happiness, for fullfillment. But tonight, for the first time I realize that what Im searching for doesn't come from anyone else. If it did, Im sure with my tenacity I would of found it by now. Some google search SURELY would of lead me to enlightenment and happiness. Ruling out the possibility of finding happiness and fullfillment in someone else, and understanding the fact that all people can be genuinely happy, shows me it's MY choice to look at this world as one filled with opportunity and excitement...and selfless fullfilling happiness. Or, it's my choice to let someone else determine when it's okay..or when Im eligible to be happy. 
See, true happiness isn't given, it's pursued. It comes from the selfless love of a genuine heart acting on what it feels, not on what is censored by the brain. It's when my heart swells when I hear a bird chirping outside the window, when Cheyenne cuddles up to me in the middle of the night, and when I recollect the smiles and laughs my Makenna was SO selfless to share.
I've had happiness in my life, but always craved more. Always wanted to scale the next moutain to see the next valley. Which is GREAT if I take the time to enjoy the view, the smells, the feelings, and truly taste the ups and downs of life, as well as the strolls though wide open pastures, where Im free to explore the flowers, bask in the sun, and see up close in true detail what I admired from a far.
So today, this morning. i've decided it will be the pursuit for happiness that needs to be enjoyed. All the little flowers and rays of sunshine it offers along the way. I'll appreciate the satisfaction that comes along the climb to the summit. My mountains won't be smaller, my valley's any less grand - but those little pieces along the way will be appreciated for what they are - the pretty bits and the nasty bits that make up our lives. The bits that refine our pursuit.