Saturday, June 2, 2012
I read recently that sometimes the greatest step into faith, comes from a moment of non belief. Perhaps, I have shared before that following the moments after Makenna's accident I fell to my knees in prayer and instead of asking for healing, instead of pleading for her survival, my heart was doubting. Satan, used my heart - popped into my head and whispered "is he really there Jess?" and for a moment for that crucial moment I doubted, in my head leap the thought "Is anyone listening?" Most of that day was surreal. A large percentage of that day felt as though I was living someone else's life - that for some reason I was dreaming up the storyline to a hit Lifetime movie that I just couldn't wake up from. However, the one thing that was very real was God's presence. It stuck, that love and safety I felt knowing his presence lit my heart on FIRE to serve. I craved to become a better servant to move closer to him. To try and follow him to do what he called me to do. But, reflecting now - perhaps my heart was in the wrong place for that. In reality, I was pursuing HIS knowledge. That maybe if I was a good enough Christian, he would answer my "why." That he would whisper into a dream, provide a vivid vision, or reveal a miracle that would tell me exactly why my cards were dealt the way they were. Exactly why I had to have this life. In my true new reality I was pursuing God the way the shy boy in high school pursues his crushes best friend. To get the information I needed not get what my heart truly desired.
Now, as my faith matures the answers that may come to my "whys" are not mine to know and I shy from wanting to seek them. As my faith grows and I learn more about his unrelenting love I see that I can trust his plan even if I don't know all the facts guiding it. I have learned that I can sit and be still, listen and be lead. Not that it is easy, it's incredibly difficult. If you know one thing about me it's my lack of patience and my inability to take things one day at a time. I'm learning it's necessary, very much so to wait until the time is right. So now what do I do?
For so long, my identity was "Jessica, who's daughter died." So many of my "friends" rallied around me for the time after the accident, then disappeared. Many if them stayed as well, but no relationship are the same. For so long my faith, had an ulterior motive. For so long, I was surviving and not choosing to live. So here I am, moving forward finding what my heart has always truly desired. Two years ago I thought I had evolved, reminiscent of how I felt as a preteen embarking on a new life, thinking I had it figured out. I had a goal in mind, one I would never reach. So now, I don't have a goal. My desires are to serve and love. I continue to reevaluated my heart, my intents, and my actions frequently to evolve endlessly as my relationship with God grows. Today, I say "So, now what?" I wait in silence, but the gentle push of the holy spirit to say, "This way Jess, he's there."
Life is good.
God is great.