My Heart.

I often pride myself on not being the "touchy feely huggy kissy" girl that frequents the environments I do. You know the type, the one that catches every one's eye when they walk in, with the million dollar smiles, and a look so genuine she just radiates love. They kind you might - I dunno envy? Or is it just me? Perhaps, I pride myself on being the opposite but I desire to BE her, and feel that I fall short. I desire to be, Captivating.
Never before has that word meant as much to me as it does now, after reading the book and participating in an awesome bible study, I have a new understanding of the word. I want to be desired, pursued, and play a bigger role in this world, so big that people want to hear my story. To see how God has worked through me.
That takes work. It takes a changed heart. Not the one that prides herself on concealing emotions, when she really wants to be relentless in sharing her love with everyone. It takes the conviction of becoming passionate to pursue a God-Like-Life and make this world we live in a New Reality. To chase commandments and commissions that aren't of this world but of Heaven and enjoy abundant love here in this world, as we will when Jesus returns and our world is new.
So, how do I get to this change of heart? How do I have a heart that doesn't desire the broader road, even when my body is tired? How do I find that place? Well, I was put there. On February 21,2010 I was lifted by belt loops and shirt collar and placed on the tiniest road in the thickest wood, then a whisper came into my heart and said, "Jessica, follow me." I'll admit my initial desire to truly follow that tiny road and live a life like Jesus was born of fear. At the time I felt like I had no choice but to listen to that whisper, my one goal was heaven and I knew who I had to follow to get there. I sure as heck had NO desire to stay in those woods alone. Now, the farther I've walked with him the brighter I've let my light shine. It's been crazy hard, trying to protect my light as I'm lead through valleys, over mountains, enduring all this life has to offer - all while attempting to keep the devil from blowing out my light. Has he won? Absolutely, my lights been blown out, dunked in water, and frozen to ice. But you know what's good about God's grace? I just need to ask for another light, then build a better cover and keep following. From where I'm standing, I can see the easier road, the flatter ground with more glitz and glamour. However, after all the hills I've climbed these last ten months I have a pretty clear view of where those roads lead, and I can safely say it isn't anywhere good. So now, I focus on growing my heart to desire the narrow road and not just my brain convincing my body the right things to display. I figure my legs will move better up the steepest hills when it's motivatedby the conviction of my heart and mind.
I truly believe when my heart and mind align, when my conviction in my beliefs turns into a passion for Christ, he will work amazing things through my actions and in my life. I will have abundance and happiness like I have never experienced. I don't have to wait for heaven for that, I can pursue that here. I heard a story on the radio the other day. A man was telling a friend about his surgeon, how nice and compassionate he was during his time of need. How he is so thankful to have met such a great man, that he is almost glad that he had to have the surgery. Then it clicked, I've been looking for "beauty to rise" from the death of Makenna. I was looking for something big, huge, monumental - then I found it. In my own heart, in my life, Makenna taught me in her death what I neglected to see in the miracle of her birth and her sister's birth and their lives. I didn't see the power of God's grace, until she was gone. How a sinner, could be on her knees praying to a God and doubting his existence in the same thought one hour, then feel his power the next is beyond me. When Makenna left, God came. Stronger than ever before, he whispered to my heart to follow him and I will. My "beauty is rising" and now I can see. Rest safe in Gods love tonight Baby Girl, Mommy loves you.
Life is Good. God is Great.