I'm sorry that some days I try to forget you. That the only memories I dream up are those awful ones after the accident. That I get sucked into my "Me" world and wonder why my life had to be this way. I'm sorry I took you downstairs instead of just getting you dressed, and that I didn't call down sooner to ask Daddy to bring you up. I'm sorry I didn't start CPR sooner - I should of known. I'm sorry I went back to work - and didn't sacrifice more and stay at home with you and Chey - if I would of we wouldn't of had the money to try and take you to the zoo that morning. I'm also sorry you didnt get to see your monkey's that day.
I miss your laugh and your smile that your nose would wrinkle up. I miss those screams when you were excited. I miss how methodically you would exam new items, and how you would just take in new experiences. I miss how you could bring smiles to SO many peoples faces. I miss those noises you made when you drank a bottle, and how you would fight me so you could hold the bottle yourself. I miss you plopping that thumb into your mouth whenever you got sleepy and falling asleep wherever you saw fit. I miss you being in my belly - I miss your smell. I miss how you would pull off your socks and stick em in your mouth at your first opportunity. I miss watching you chew on dog bones. I'll miss you the rest of my life.
Thank you, for bringing me back to Jesus. For showing me the depth of happiness and the depth of sadness. Thank you for showing me that patience is truly a virtue - I'm trying. Thank you for sharing your smiles with me. Thank you for letting me comfort you when you cried, feed you when you were hungry, dress you in cute clothes, and put pippy tails in your hair. Thanks for reaching for me when you needed to be held, and understanding a word to be patient when i couldn't get yah right away. Thank you for bringing together some of the most wonderful friends I could EVER ask for. Thank you for all the things I think you did, but I cannot say aloud.
I've never bargained to have you back, not sure why. Guess I can be too rational at times. I struggle to keep my faith - and wonder so much where you are. I'm always lead back to the idea you're in heaven. I feel little phantom baby kicks in my guts a lot - a lot since you left. Sometimes I wonder if the last 2 years were a dream and you're really just beginning to grow in my belly - I would do anything to protect you. Sometimes I feel like I failed you, that I should of been stronger earlier. Just know Im not going to make the same mistakes twice, not anymore baby girl.
You've taught me so much about life and about death. About how hate isn't worth it and what love truly means. God made big things come through you, I am blessed in so many ways. I love you my Makadoo, I miss you so.
Love
Mommy
Oh Jess if I could reach through this computer and hold you! Makenna is your Beloved little angel and I can't imagine your pain and how you must ache for her! I don't know why Makenna's life ended the way it did I wish I could answer that or make sense out of it, but I truly believe in my heart she was a gift from god and she was given to you for a reason and you were and are the best mommy ever! You did protect her, you do love her you can't live in the what if's I believe that things happen for a reason I dont know why they do but you cant blame yourself, you loved that little baby more than life itself she knew it, anyone who knows you saw it! If I could take that day away or change it I would do it in a second, I hate that this is your life, I hate that our little girl isn't here I dont want to say she is gone because she is my heart I think of Makenna every day mostly at work! I wont ever to forget our angel! I love you sweetie!
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you a HUGE hug right now.
ReplyDeleteYou can't blame yourself. I know its easier said then done. I don't know your pain but I can only imagine. Its been 5 yrs since my grandmother passed away and there are nights i still cry myself to sleep. Telling her and God that Im sorry for being scared and not visiting her more. I had a friend tell me to go see her more when she was in the hospital because I would regret it and I wish I wouldve listened to him. I wish we all could get one redo in our life. I would slap myself and be at the hospital everyday. I'm sure you wouldve kept her upstairs.
I am so sorry for you loss Jess. You are a strong women and a fantastic person. You cant blame yourself for what happened.
Shes your Angel now. Love you girlie.