Casting my net....

            After Jesus rose from the dead he appeared to a number of people.  In particularly a group of fishermen who weren't catching fish - anonymously from the shore he called to them to put their net on the other side of the boat, they did - and their net was filled. It was then they looked back to the shore and saw it was Jesus, one man named Peter - (who had doubted Jesus countless times) jumped into the water and swam to Jesus, while the other fishermen rowed the boat to shore. Why is it, in desperation we will listen to the stranger on the shore? Why is it, that it takes a miracle or a hardship to remember the guidance and love that is offered by Jesus? Why is it that the ones who doubt the most - swim the fastest to that person on the shore - when their nets are full? Would peter of looked back had his net come up empty? What if it was only half full?
           If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. I've also heard that the definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting to get different results. Yet, I stay in my same old - expecting different results. I don't want to be there, and I'm listening for that voice on the shore to tell me that maybe, my net does belong on the other side of the boat. I've experienced the empty net, I've held in my grips a net full of fish, I've watched a load be ripped from my hands and carried out to sea. But I've never contemplated why - or why not those fish were there - not until I realized that with them I would be satisfied and without them I would hunger.
        I count on small miracles - from the moment I dropped to my knees, that terrible February morning I have been able to see them more clearly. It was truly miraculous that I was given the strength to stand back up, the opportunity to kiss my baby my last "I love yous," to being able to walk out of the hospital, to getting out of bed that next morning, to picking out a hot pink urn, to finding my voice to put her social security number on a death certificate. My fish weren't  breaking the net those days, but it was enough to live off. My net was on the right side, I gave it up to God and he provided exactly what I needed. From my own personal abilities to function, to the friends, family and clergy that functioned for me when I couldn't find my way. 
Now today, that my steps are stronger and my head is clearer I keep casting my net on the wrong side, pulling up empty, and not listening to the voice from the shore. Pulling up a net is a lot of work, and my shoulders are tired. This side of the boat has gotten awful familiar and this is where I am comfortable. Also, let's face it I'm pretty stubborn and sometimes fail to acknowledge that my way might not be the best!
So today, I'm gathering strength to pull my net - to face the fears of the other side of the boat and recast in better waters. I don't think this side will be free of hardships and trials, in fact I welcome them. I've been blessed with grace that is unmeasurable because of my struggles and have never felt closer to God. Yes, I pray that my net will be filled, I pray that I've heard his voice clearly, and I pray that I never forget to listen to that voice from the shore - or fail to see that it is in fact Jesus leading me to right where I'm supposed to be.