That last line in the serenity prayer always gets me...wisdom comes through prayer. Yet I feel that SO often I think i can change everything. It's definitely not a new development. Since I was young, I thought I could endlessly change the world - that ANY goal I had in mind could be possible. While this helped with succeeding with a lot throughout my life, it has not helped with my ability to let God handle things and to wait for his promptings. The realization at 30 years old, that I cannot change everything is very scary. I was about to say humbling, but I'm not there yet. I say scary, because I STILL don't want to let go of the control even though all the evidence, circumstances, guidance, and promptings tell me it's time. I'm stubborn, but if you know me that isn't news, and that is something that YOU can't change. :D
I am certain that there is peace that comes from letting go of "what is" when you don't want it to be. I did that with the death of Makenna. Perhaps, even I see the permanence of death. Or do I? I can remember many ambulance rides looking at a patient and knowing in my guts they were dead, yet pumping away on his chest like I could change things. So, what truly makes me "let go?" Do I have to be in a place that nothing else makes sense? If I do, what does that say for my faith? Proverbs 2:5 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." What does it take for me to get there.
This has been my question as I endure a new season of my life.
I think I've arrived at the answer, through conversation with my boyfriend. He continually reminds me to trust in God, that his plan is good. It frustrates me to be honest, that it seems to come so easily to him. Then it dawned on me. Relationships take time. I should know this being I rushed into my first marriage after a fair one month of dating, married with doubt on my heart, and endured a relationship that was not fullfilling. I don't say that to be harsh, I say that to be real. After leaving that, I was blessed with a relationship that has simmered, been under the fire, cooled off, and reignited. This relationship has been forged by heat and cold in every element I could possibly imagine and it is strong. So, why haven't I approached my relationship with God like that? Why have I expected it to materialize so quickly? Do I have some unrealistic expectation that he expects me just to accept things at face value, if he did why did he allow me the brain capacity to analyze information? The longer I endure hardships, the tougher things get, the more convinced I am that I am pursuing a relationship with God full of doubt and questions but exactly the way he knew it would go.
God knows me. He knows my heart. He sees a fighter's spirit, a girl who craves life experience and he gives it to me. He knows that I'm not going to learn what his love is from a book...that I'm gonna learn what his love is from standing in the fire. That's me. It's not lack of desire to love him to trust him, it's lack of time forging a solid relationship with a love that will always surpass my understanding. I know I'm in that fire, I know all this stuff around me will end one day and then new stuff will take it's place. But I also know that God is in that fire with me. I also know that the fire subsides and I am blessed beyond measures with gifts, relationships, and life experiences that I don't deserve. I'm figuring this out one day at a time. I don't always remember in the moment, when I'm trying to handle it myself, but one day I might. One day I might see the fire, pass the nozzle, and let go. One day...maybe. So for now, I'll taked these experiences that the world throws at me. I'll try to rely on the armour God has given me and punk Satan whenever he tries to get a foothold in my life. I'll try to do that option first...before I think I can save the world myself.
Life is Good, God is great.