So many dark nights, I wondered if I would ever feel joy again. If I would ever laugh from my belly, until my sides hurt, until the tears that came from my eyes were from an overflow of happiness and not from pain. During the days, I was tough. I could do the life that I had. The normal day to day of going to work, taking care of Cheyenne, and engaging in typical relationships was the proverbial piece of cake. The day to day mundane happenings of my life were easy to do without Makenna. It was easy to say, "Wow, I can trust God's plan, I got this." Ironically, the mundane was my safety. The extraordinary - good or bad throws me back into the pit of the beast that is mourning. That surreal understanding tears at my heart, and burns deeper than the pain I had with the doctor gestured his head up and down in response to my pleading of "is she dead" in the ER waiting room that morning.
My first gut response to this personal reflection was that I want Makenna to be here. In my happiness I miss her and need her here to be happy. In my sorrows, I am reminded of my ultimate sorrow and relive the pain that I had with it. While this maybe half true, it isn't the whole truth. I think my lack of ability to be truly joyful in celebrating my blessings or truly open to God's healings when I am in the dark valleys isn't a mere matter of missing my beloved daughter, it's Satan attempting to get a foothold on my faith. To use his evil works to shake my faith in the plan, to doubt that I am deserving of a joyful heart, and to get me to pursue an answer to my "whys" and not move in his plan and pursue the "whats." The what do I do with this story I've been given.
Well Satan, I sought God's wisdom, I got it. Now it's time for you to go. This girl has been inspired to move.
I will never forget the moment, I was standing in front of my house, watching the sunset behind a tree, and clearing hearing that I could use this to move, to make this world better - at the time I wasn't clear on where I would go, what I would do with it, but two years of spiritual growth and life experience has convinced me that I need to share my story. That I need to utilize my radical story of spiritual awakening to reach those with God's good word that have not been reached.
I am asking for prayer, for continued wisdom and direction. Please, if God puts it on your heart on how I can share, share with me. You are all a blessing in my life, and have helped me become who I am today - by sharing your friendship, your love, and God's light in my life.
life is good. God is great.