Ironically, I fail to remember quite consistently that I never HAVE to take the helm myself, that a simple prayer brings the best leader into each and every situation that I come across. But my vision and judgement get narrow in the chaos of life, I see the tunnel fast approaching and fumble with every switch searching for the light to guide the train through the darkness, forgetting that the light I am searching for is voice operated.
God, I come to you now - asking you to be present here today. To hold my family, friends, community, nation and world in your safety. We need you now as we did yesterday and as we surely as we will tomorrow. Guide me, hold me, and help me shine that light you gave us so long ago when you sacrificed your only son for me.
So my biggest fear? Specifically, to mishandle the blessings in my life by failing to share God's love. Seem vague? It is. It's rather large as well. However, most specifically it's my family. That I will say or do the one wrong thing that scars those I love the deepest. I've done it. My entire family shows the scars of my failures. They are mutilated with my lack of the ability to rely on God first and my tongue second. It saddens me.
My daughter, she yells at her step-sister with almost the exact same cadence that I utilize when I let anger take over my parenting skills.
My oldest step daughter slams her door with the same zest that I do when her world is frustrating her.
My step son, harps on tiny misjudgments that lead to spilled milk or messy homework.
My Love, avoids conversation with me when we are leading into hot topics.
My parents, carry the grief of a marriage they knew was wrong for me but I stubbornly entered into anyway.
My extended family doesn't know my children because of my lack of effort to extend love to them.
My community, doesn't get any of me because I am wrapped up in my own little world.
These are all the blessings that I thank God for, yet rarely live out my thankfulness to. I get so wrapped up in righting the wrong that I never celebrate the right. A girl cannot go on living like that and expect to shine light. This girl cannot go on living like that and enjoy this blessed life.
So what do I do? "Start over" for the 951,254,261,568,125 time? Absolutely. Will I fail - yes I'm pretty sure. Will I grow? No doubt. You see, I am faithful to the point that I can pray to an ever loving God to change my tenacity to right wrongs, into a passion to celebrate the right. That he can change my heart from the pessimistic problem solver, to a radiant optimist who glows with the Godly love that she has come to know. I often witness that the day my life changed was when I felt God's presence in the stairwell of the parking structure leaving the hospital in Norfolk Virginia. That day was the most bittersweet blessing I could ever get. But today, I would witness that each day I feel saved again. That each day I feel God's presence, I hear his words, and I am newly inspired to seek him. I want my life to be a living testimony to salvation. I want transparent proof of grace and mercy. I want to witness that I was reintroduced to God a long time ago, but today is the day that I feel God has been more truly revealed to me, more than yesterday - less than tomorrow.
Today, I pray that I can let go of my fears, I can learn from my past, and that I can continue on this ride through the tunnels, over the plains, up the mountains, and into the valley's with a conductor who has it handled but will let me choose the way. I forecast a couple derailments, maybe some lost steam power, but I'm an confident that my final destination is safe and promised...this world will be right one day and I want to share the love that will get it there.
Tenth Avenue North says it the best in their song "Healing Begins"
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear
So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
Life is Good. God is Great.