Newtown, Conneticut.

I can't begin to explain the sadness in my heart.
I can't begin narrate the chaos of emotion inside my head.
What I can do is make my voice be heard right now. Something has GOT to give. Something NEEDS to change. We shouldn't live in a world that Kindergartners are not safe in their own classroom. That a 24 year old can hold so much anger, have access to high power weapons and take away the light of these littles in a small town elementary school. But we do. We live with the real questions on what the right decision is in dealing with the problem.
More guns?
Less guns?
Gun reform?
Gun control?
Bullet proof bubbles for all those who don't "deserve" to die?
I'm not completely sure what is "right" in this battle. I'm just not. I'm sitting here reeling through flashbacks in my head of the day Makenna died. Projecting that into fantasy scenarios of what the massacre would of looked like in my own Kindergartners room today. Wondering what it would of felt like to be the dispatcher taking that call or the firefighters moving bodies to see who might have a chance. I wonder what the teacher in that classroom felt like, hopeless. You see, I've filled all these rolls, I've signed the death certificate of my daughter due to gun violence, I've taken frantic 911 calls due to gun violence, responded to horrific crime scenes due to gun violence, and I've taught in many many classrooms in which I loved those kids so deeply that I would go to the greatest depth to protect them. This tragedy hit home. I'm thankful and praise God that this tragedy has not CAME to my home...not yet at least.
There is a lot wrong with guns. The number one thing is the people who are allowed to buy them. How many times do we hear about a mass murderer who obtained his weapons legally usually within a short time of the massacre? How many of these people had reached out to get help before hand? Performed erratic behavior before? Hmmm in my recent memory, it's been every single one. Virginia Tech, Aurora, and the recent Portland shootings. Why can't there be even a basic social background check. A look into medical release? A simple psychological evaluation? Too much time? Too much paperwork? Violating a civil right to bare arms? My ex-husband who killed my youngest daughter bought a .45mm handgun one week before her death. She was killed with that weapon. He was under the care of a psychiatrist for PTSD with the military and had multiple combat deployments. He had all of a 30 minute wait period before he walked out of Bass Pro Shop with the weapon. Less than a week later, I had two hours of HELL waiting to hear the doctor tell me my daughter was dead, followed by months of paperwork, and my own temporary psychological deterioration. So where exactly, on what side, is there too much paperwork. On which side of this scenario are people's civil rights being taken away? Call me selfish, but I would much prefer a proactive government than a retroactive government and have less death certificates and more background checks. Get a better picture of the guy trying to buy a Semi Automatic Assault Rifle with 500 rounds of ammunition along with some body armour before you sell it to him. Then maybe we won't see 26 pictures of innocent school members on the news, teddy bears by white crosses, and parents running in fear hoping they'll be reunited with their children. Perhaps, if we get those who want to protect themselves to talk to a mental health professional we can stop just one of these tragedies. Just stopping one is enough for me, at one point just stopping one bullet would of been enough for me.
This needs to change. It needed to change yesterday, last year, 3 years ago. Pro Gun and Anti-gun need to find a ground that those who can't protect themselves are protected. The government and the people need to work together logically and figure this out. Our society today isn't the same it was when everyone had a gun on their shoulder, times have changed. Just as our constitution that we all fight so adamantly to defend was written to evolve we all need to wake up and evolve and see what is wrong for what it is, and what is right for what it could be. I haven't lost faith in humanity, far from it. But my heart is broken, from where our society fails. Where I have failed. It is going to stop now. My voice will be heard.
I need a bigger platform to get this out. I have contacted Ellen DeGeneres, please share my story with her as well! Anyone that I can get a bigger voice out. I need your help!