See,

No really, do you see? I didn't. I didn't even think to look at the broader picture tonight, and had I not listened to that clear voice that came from somewhere deeper than my guts I wouldn't of looked again.
I guess the best way to make this the least confusing is to start where it began, on a softball field this past fall.
A friend, was warming up as we prepared for a game and she asked me to be a part of a small group exploring the book Captivating. She spoke of it like it held magic secrets to bring me happiness to fulfill the parts of me that needed to be filled. She radiated happiness...Honestly, I looked at her and thought  - that chick is totally in love with God. I was excited.
I read the first chapter, attended the small groups, we've cried, we've grown, I've gained friends - sister's in Christ. Who I'm not scared to share my deepest fears with. My growth in my faith is exponential - but mostly it's the depletion of doubt. The ability to pray now and not doubt that God is listening....most of the time.
So tonight, in group. Another girl, spoke of how God will provide what our heart yearns for when it's time. It's up to us to be patient. If ANYONE reading this knows me, patience is not my strong suit. (I also learned to night not to pray for it, but that's another blog) When she said this, it dawned on me. There is a bigger plan, it's not God that puts the stuff that gets under my skin into my life - it's the devil, and it's not always his pursuit of me that does it, sometimes its my pursuit of this world that does it. It was like a light bulb went off. I felt inspired, I felt that I had finally "got it" got the message God was trying to bring to me. He says, Grow with me, walk with me, and you will live abundantly. I see it now.

So, on the way home. I prayed. I turned down the radio, I asked God to reveal to me the beauty he wishes for me to see in this world. I've prayed this prayer a thousand times over it seems. I searched the sky for a shinier star..or perhaps a meteorite to shut down the road i have to use to get to work tomorrow..and those revelations didn't come. Then, I got a strong desire to look over my left shoulder, there in the sky was what looked like someone had stuck their finger in the sky and painted me a happy face. I laughed, and would easily of discounted it from being what I had asked had it stopped there. The grin did spark memories of my trip to the Aquarium to celebrate the gift of Makenna on her birthday last May. A stingray had swam over me in a tunnel that goes through one of the tanks, and I noticed how they looked like they smiled, I snapped a picture and thought how appropriate it was Mak's favorite animal had a perpetual grin.  As I reminisced about my joyous days at the aquarium, and my last weekend of "normal" I heard a voice, a voice coming from deeper than my guts saying, No Jess, look again and SEE. I did. That grin I saw earlier was intentionally placed in a gigantic finger painting of a stingray, it's fins and tales gliding across the night sky, covering heavens for what seemed like forever. I cried, I looked again, I screamed, I felt loved, desired, and yes fulfilled.  I felt that what I was waiting for, for sooo long had been given to me. In a moment of peace and quiet - that I could be shown by God that he is there, and the desires of my true heart will be fulfilled when I calm myself, reflect on what I know, and choose to see what he blesses me with.
Life if Good. God is GREAT!