Hiding

I'd like to say I enjoy being busy - but it may not be entirely true. I enjoy having stress. Crazy huh? Stress doesn't have to be bad, there are good stresses, but either way I crave it seek it out. Put entirely too much on my plate and end up doing a lot , half way.
It's where I hide, hide from my thoughts and fears, its a culmination of my indulgences that I seek to be everything to everyone. I'm struggling.
So what am I hiding from? Reality - my new reality. The reality that I've fooled so many into thinking I'm taking head on, when in fact I'm running like a maniac, hands over my head, screaming like a girl.  I've read that you find light sooner chasing the darkness, than chasing the light. Instead of giving up my trials to God, I'd given up. Not allowed him to work in my life, and pursued the hear and now to distract me from things I could not control, and wouldn't let anyone else have control over. Taking that leap is terrifying
I feel like I'm on the 20 foot platform with my toes over the edge, looking at the pool below.  Knowing I have to tools to succeed, but knowing there is so much out of my control. That is NOT a venue I thrive in. So instead of taking control, I turn around and prepare more. Make more list, make more dreams, pursue something that's close - but not just quite. Sometimes I go back and nail it, other times i do a belly flop, then other times I back down, pursuing the next on my list. 
I've come to the realization that if I do give it up to God he will provide. He's already providing. Unconditional love, Agape. How amazing is that. I may endure horrid things in life, I may accept it's God's plan. I struggle allowing him to show me through it and trusting that he loves me like no one here on earth ever could. So now, I work on trust. That I'm made to be me, and I'm good enough for any situation I'm put in because God loves me. I want to radiate that.
Life is good. God is great.

Crossing Jordan

So, it went something like this:
God: Joshua get those Guys to follow that box, don't let em touch it, get them follow it where ever it goes. Just because I said it.
Josh: ummm sure, why not:?
God: Let em know that  I got the people in the promised land on the run, they are FREAKED that you guys are coming
Josh:Good deal, making this whole leadership an easy gig considering you're working through me
God: Oh, one more thing, when you get to the river just keep walking, I'm gonna hold it back so you can cross right through.Then when you cross gather up some stones and make a monument, let people know that you're God is an awesome God.
Josh: say whhhhat?
God: Hey Josh, don't sweat it. I'll be with you just as I was with Moses. I got your back.
Josh: sweet deal.
I'll admit, for me there was no CHOICE in getting into the riverbed. It defitnitely wasn't the path I would of taken. I kinda feel like I was tossed into the middle of the Jordan to only then realize that God can and will hold back obstacles, even if he's throwing you in a direction you didn't really know you needed to be going. I still wonder what the other side of the Jordan would be like today the side I came from, I was safe there - not nearly content or really happy, but there were things over there that I really loved, things that I know now were temporary and just part of this world, a world that won't last forever - thank GOD, because as Pastor Matt says if Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, well...I'm ready for heaven. (disclaimer, yes I love visiting Disney but let's face it lines suck!)
In the last few months, I feel like I've been drug through the mud of that riverbed.( I mean in reality, had I actually been on of those to follow the covenant and cross the River Jordan I probably would of tripped at some point and got a face full of mud) It's not cool to be drug through mud, however, in reality I realize that the torrent of the flood waters that could of come would of been much much much worse had I not had the Grace of God and had he not provided me a promise that I hold SO dear to my heart. I could of drowned in my own raging river of grief, loss, and change but I was provided with the courage, sticktoitiveness, friendship, family, love, and grace I needed to find my boot straps and big girl panties and really LIVE in a time I could of just died.
The last few weeks have stung, the reality of the permanence of my life change is sinking in. Never in my life, did I think this year would be part of it's story, but now I can't imagine who I would be without it. I'm discovering my purpose and my worth in a whole new light. Embracing that God made ME the perfect ME, and striving to achieve the purpose he has set for my life.  So now, I feel like Im nearing the bank of this river, to get closer to the land that God has promised me. Who know's if there will be more rivers, more lands to be moved to - only God does. What I DO know is I'm ready to take this land. To serve a great God who has amazing plans. A God who loves his people SO much he forgives them for sins and takes them as his own, so that death doesn't end us, but provides us with a blissful  new beginning.
Tonight, I pray that I learn to love God more than I love this world. To trust HIS plan for my life and be silenced enough to hear when he speaks. I pray that God's love radiates from me in the days to come, and I can be the vessel that shines on just one lost soul. I am SO thankful for having all I need, and so much of what I want. I am blessed.
Life is good. God is great.

New Reality - think that reality part is sinking in

Well, today was sentencing. Thought it would feel like closure, but really feels like so much is still up in the air. However, that little internal optimist is wiggling her way out again. The one who I smother far to often with "me" thoughts, forgetting who is the master of my purpose on this earth and looking at my own desires. The outside "me" is mad and angry that THIS is my life. That one day I'll explain to Cheyenne what happened when she was so very young, that everytime I get close to someone and share my story I'll either risk losing them - or spread the pain a little further. I wonder what the purpose is behind it all, why this is my life. The girl from the small urban town who lived a typical life and just tried to live out the american dream why me? .... then I wonder why NOT me.
I'm a sinner. I've done things wrong, been motivated by the wrong desires, found sanctuary in this world - neglecting to recognize the grace that influenced my life everyday. I've turned away from the poor, tired, and hungry. I'm no saint, that's for sure. I don't deserve any blessing I have recieved, and SO SO SO often neglected to put the praise where it's  needed.
I've come to realize, that God made this girl pretty dang tough. I've experienced a lot in my life, a lot that would scar and defeat a lot of people. God's been prepping me for this moment. That I could be a stronger vessel - strengthened through fire and truly realize that beauty WILL rise. 
So tonight I'm praying that his light will radiate through me, that I can show the grace of God through my life, my daily actions.

My prayer is to be like Ruth....

Wow. Never had a "bible hero" ... well I mean aside from the obvious. Someone who I've come to learn about and really can aspire to be like.  Ruth went through hard times, lost people she loved, didn't have somewhere to call home, was given an easy way out and chose to be faithful. In the end she was blessed with the basics and given a husband and a family. How much more could a gal ask for? How wonderful can our God be?
So many of you have traveled this dark valley with me, so many of you have conquered the hills right along beside me - or in some cases given me that extra shove! How faithful have you all been in our relaitonships. I don't have to name anyone. You know who you are. Today, Im really commiting to being that back to each and everyone of you. To understand that my trials are just that, trials. Not defining events in my life upon which every other decision has to be based on. They test me, my strength, faith, heart, courage, and they've tested those I care about.  Most of all they have taught me. That God has blessed me and continues to. Ive got the best and friends and family. Ones I know I can turn to. No bigger blessing than that.
I feel like the light is shining in front of me, that the shadows have shortened and the world truly is brighter. I've chased the darkness to find the light, because I've had the best running along right beside me.   I pray that the Lord blesses you, and see that each of your individual purposes has shown sooo brightly in my life. Love you all.

Letter to Makadoo

Makadoo,
 I'm sorry that some days I try to forget you. That the only memories I dream up are those awful ones after the accident. That I get sucked into my "Me" world and wonder why my life had to be this way. I'm sorry I took you downstairs instead of just getting you dressed, and that I didn't call down sooner to ask Daddy to bring you up. I'm sorry I didn't start CPR sooner - I should of known. I'm sorry I went back to work - and didn't sacrifice more and stay at home with you and Chey - if I would of we wouldn't of had the money to try and take you to the zoo that morning. I'm also sorry you didnt get to see your monkey's that day.
I miss your laugh and your smile that your nose would wrinkle up. I miss those screams when you were excited. I miss how methodically you would exam new items, and how you would just take in new experiences. I miss how you could bring smiles to SO many peoples faces. I miss those noises you made when you drank a bottle, and how you would fight me so you could hold the bottle yourself. I miss you plopping that thumb into your mouth whenever you got sleepy and falling asleep wherever you saw fit. I miss you being in my belly - I miss your smell. I miss how you would pull off your socks and stick em in your mouth at your first opportunity. I miss watching you chew on dog bones. I'll miss you the rest of my life.
Thank you, for bringing me back to Jesus.  For showing me the depth of happiness and the depth of sadness. Thank you for showing me that patience is truly a virtue - I'm trying. Thank you for sharing your smiles with me. Thank you for letting me comfort you when you cried, feed you when you were hungry, dress you in cute clothes, and put pippy tails in your hair. Thanks for reaching for me when you needed to be held, and understanding a word to be patient when i couldn't get yah right away.  Thank you for bringing together some of the most wonderful friends I could EVER ask for. Thank you for all the things I think you did, but I cannot say aloud.
I've never bargained to have you back, not sure why. Guess I can be too rational at times. I struggle to keep my faith - and wonder so much where you are. I'm always lead back to the idea you're in heaven. I feel little phantom baby kicks in my guts a lot - a lot since you left. Sometimes I wonder if the last 2 years were a dream and you're really just beginning to grow in my belly - I would do anything to protect you. Sometimes I feel like I failed you, that I should of been stronger earlier. Just know Im not going to make the same mistakes twice, not anymore baby girl.
You've taught me so much about life and about death. About how hate isn't worth it and what love truly means. God made big things come through you, I am blessed in so many ways. I love you my Makadoo, I miss you so.
Love
Mommy

My vine, it has worms.

So, you remember Sunday School - and good ole Jonah. The guy that got swallowed up by the whale? Then vomited up on the shore? You know how he got there? Well he disobeyed God - he was supposed to go to Niniveh and tell the guys there to pull their heads out, to straighten up. He was scared to go and bailed, got on a boat, tried to hide from God, got kicked off the boat, swallowed by a fish, thrown up on the sand. THEN TO JUST  go to the place God told him to in the first place!  THEN he got to watch the city prosper as he sweated his butt off on the edge of town. It's Jonah and God's discussion there, on the edge of town that keeps creeping up into my head - you see it's hot, and being God is a giving God - so he grows a vine to shelter Jonah, then he gives him a WORM to kill the vine. It makes Jonah mad, he tells God he wants to die, God says no deal  - there are bigger things to fix. WHAT THE HECK.
So here I am, a whirlwind of a year, sitting out on the edge of town, enjoying my vine when BAM a worm eats another one. Im watching good things happen all around me, and I keep having these vines shrivel up just when the sweat starts to dry. Well, here I am God. Once again you have my attention - i'm trying to listen and trying not to be scared to be where you need me to be. BUT IT"S SCARY DOWN HERE! I know pain and struggles are part of this walk, and maybe it's easier to endure knowing the promise at the end - but the worms - they suck, the shade is nice.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Life is good. God is Great.

Casting my net....

            After Jesus rose from the dead he appeared to a number of people.  In particularly a group of fishermen who weren't catching fish - anonymously from the shore he called to them to put their net on the other side of the boat, they did - and their net was filled. It was then they looked back to the shore and saw it was Jesus, one man named Peter - (who had doubted Jesus countless times) jumped into the water and swam to Jesus, while the other fishermen rowed the boat to shore. Why is it, in desperation we will listen to the stranger on the shore? Why is it, that it takes a miracle or a hardship to remember the guidance and love that is offered by Jesus? Why is it that the ones who doubt the most - swim the fastest to that person on the shore - when their nets are full? Would peter of looked back had his net come up empty? What if it was only half full?
           If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. I've also heard that the definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting to get different results. Yet, I stay in my same old - expecting different results. I don't want to be there, and I'm listening for that voice on the shore to tell me that maybe, my net does belong on the other side of the boat. I've experienced the empty net, I've held in my grips a net full of fish, I've watched a load be ripped from my hands and carried out to sea. But I've never contemplated why - or why not those fish were there - not until I realized that with them I would be satisfied and without them I would hunger.
        I count on small miracles - from the moment I dropped to my knees, that terrible February morning I have been able to see them more clearly. It was truly miraculous that I was given the strength to stand back up, the opportunity to kiss my baby my last "I love yous," to being able to walk out of the hospital, to getting out of bed that next morning, to picking out a hot pink urn, to finding my voice to put her social security number on a death certificate. My fish weren't  breaking the net those days, but it was enough to live off. My net was on the right side, I gave it up to God and he provided exactly what I needed. From my own personal abilities to function, to the friends, family and clergy that functioned for me when I couldn't find my way. 
Now today, that my steps are stronger and my head is clearer I keep casting my net on the wrong side, pulling up empty, and not listening to the voice from the shore. Pulling up a net is a lot of work, and my shoulders are tired. This side of the boat has gotten awful familiar and this is where I am comfortable. Also, let's face it I'm pretty stubborn and sometimes fail to acknowledge that my way might not be the best!
So today, I'm gathering strength to pull my net - to face the fears of the other side of the boat and recast in better waters. I don't think this side will be free of hardships and trials, in fact I welcome them. I've been blessed with grace that is unmeasurable because of my struggles and have never felt closer to God. Yes, I pray that my net will be filled, I pray that I've heard his voice clearly, and I pray that I never forget to listen to that voice from the shore - or fail to see that it is in fact Jesus leading me to right where I'm supposed to be.