Hiding

I'd like to say I enjoy being busy - but it may not be entirely true. I enjoy having stress. Crazy huh? Stress doesn't have to be bad, there are good stresses, but either way I crave it seek it out. Put entirely too much on my plate and end up doing a lot , half way.
It's where I hide, hide from my thoughts and fears, its a culmination of my indulgences that I seek to be everything to everyone. I'm struggling.
So what am I hiding from? Reality - my new reality. The reality that I've fooled so many into thinking I'm taking head on, when in fact I'm running like a maniac, hands over my head, screaming like a girl.  I've read that you find light sooner chasing the darkness, than chasing the light. Instead of giving up my trials to God, I'd given up. Not allowed him to work in my life, and pursued the hear and now to distract me from things I could not control, and wouldn't let anyone else have control over. Taking that leap is terrifying
I feel like I'm on the 20 foot platform with my toes over the edge, looking at the pool below.  Knowing I have to tools to succeed, but knowing there is so much out of my control. That is NOT a venue I thrive in. So instead of taking control, I turn around and prepare more. Make more list, make more dreams, pursue something that's close - but not just quite. Sometimes I go back and nail it, other times i do a belly flop, then other times I back down, pursuing the next on my list. 
I've come to the realization that if I do give it up to God he will provide. He's already providing. Unconditional love, Agape. How amazing is that. I may endure horrid things in life, I may accept it's God's plan. I struggle allowing him to show me through it and trusting that he loves me like no one here on earth ever could. So now, I work on trust. That I'm made to be me, and I'm good enough for any situation I'm put in because God loves me. I want to radiate that.
Life is good. God is great.