I am NOT alone.

I have to be real, I have to be honest. I have been in my writings - today should be no different. But today, I may hurt the ones who love me the most - the ones I love the most. I will start this by saying my life is not awful. Human actions both mine and those in my life did not put into motion everything that has happened to me. Satan and his demons are at work in a world that our God was wonderful to create, and will surely restore. But the fact of the matter at hand now is, I'm hurt. I'm broken and I need to heal. I need to heal the little girl's heart who's Daddy or Grandfather didn't show up when he promised, I need to heal the young ladies self confidence that was broken when a trivial remark about her appearance scarred her forever, I need to address the pain that came from feeling like second best and that MY dreams weren't practical enough for a busy family, and I need to heal a young adults heart that was scarred, battered, and bruised in a world she chose to embrace and when she lost focus on what truly mattered most in her purpose in life.
Abandoned
My heart fails to recall a specific situation that my father or grandfather missed. I do remember waiting anxiously for their arrival - only to receive a phone call they wouldn't make it, or the event would pass and they would not of attended. I remember fearing to ask if they were coming - knowing that whatever the answer, the outcome was as predictable as the mega lotto.  I learned I wasn't important enough, loved enough, that I didn't fight enough to get these people to attend events. I learned that I would have to pursue other's involvement in my life if I didn't want to experience this world alone. I learned that just being me, just wasn't enough. I learned a lot of lies. I know now that bigger things than my birthday party were going on. Addictions, grief, and other personal struggles harden hearts and confused souls in the men who I loved so much in my life. But, as a little girl waiting for their arrival I learned that it was easy to be abandoned, so as an adult I chose to follow, pursue so I couldn't be abandoned. Or at least that has been the rational behind it. That rational doesn't work well.
A BEAST
Sixth grade, I stood in the living room of my Grandfather's home. The tv played in the background. My cousin sneezed, needed a tissue, and wiped her nose. I assume she pushed upwards as most toddlers do. "Stop doing that" I heard, "do you want to grow up and look like Jessica." I focused my attention on the tv, tears welled up in my eyes, and that day I learned of my nasal monstrosity and that I was in fact a beast, and if no one wanted to look like me - why would they like me?  At the pool, we had to rinse off before diving in for a summers day of splish splashing. I walked confidently to the showers in my two piece swimsuit, it was grey with neon stripes, my neighbor had one just like it.  Then the boys walked past "She's over there, near the fatter one, by the showers" That day I learned I was fat. That because of this no guy would pursue me, I would merely be a landmark to guide them elsewhere.
SECOND PLACE DREAMS
I never felt more empowered, more at peace than on the back of a horse. I felt the connection of my soul to this powerful animal. That we could work together and achieve a goal. Another living, breathing, beast that liked me whether or not I had an apple in my pocket. That night, I got to ride FoxyLady our instructors daughter's horse. She was a beautiful bay/Appaloosa, a cross between a quarterhorse and arabian. She cantered smoothly and easily sored over jumps. I was honored to be offered the opportunity. I probably had fifteen minutes left in my lesson. My feet had just found the irons on the stirrups,  when I heard my brother run down the driveway. He had a ball game. In a league that my Mom often volunteered and my dad was president of. I had to go, his game was the priority. I walked away. I learned my dream was impractical, not in line with my families lifestyle. I told my Mom I wanted to quit. My dreams, didn't matter.
LOST IN THIS WORLD
I wanted to be noticed, to be prided upon by family, friends, and society. I took big dreams, made big moves, and did big things. I also experienced big hurts. My life became a check off sheet. I had to fulfill a, b, and c. Or I would never be "enough."  Halfway through "c," I forgot what "a" was and already planning "h." Time after time, after time. I tried to fulfill a void in my heart. I filled it with work, with school, with sex, with bad relationships, with food, and with gluttony. I saw green pastures all around while I sat in tumbleweeds. I would plan my escape over the next white clapboard fence only to find the grass wasn't as green, not when the shadow of all things on this world blocked the sun from shining as I carried the burdens of the world on my shoulders, not trusting God with the hurt that prodded me into that field.
I'm hurt, I'm broken. I see the cracks in my foundation. But I also see something that was built so strongly upon the unbroken structure. Somewhere along the way friends showed me I was worth it. That there were people who would pursue a relationship. Who took me just as I was.  Along the beaten path family pointed out my boot straps and taught me that my dreams don't have to matter to anyone else, after all I was the one who was going to achieve them. Someone told me I was beautiful, and I genuinely believed them. Then finally, someone woke me up and I began to see there was a bigger purpose.
How I have  LONGED to be pursued, feel beautiful, feel irreplaceable in the life of someone, and live my life according to God's purpose. It's only recently that I realized I have all those things. They are in me, but there is rubble in front of doors, and stair wells filled with smoke blocking it's entrance into this world. Hurts and trials I have kept inside to only block what I seek the most.  I am of this world, prayerfully searching to discover my purpose to be less of this world and more of God's obedient child. What promises we have in the sovereignty of the Lord! What a wonderful God to tell ME that I matter to him, the God who knows all the fish in the sea, knows how many hairs I have on my head. God wants me to love HIM, as he loves me. God created me, a woman when the earth was new and an element was missing. Created ME to fulfill his plan in this world.  God has given me a beauty, not one found in magazines or television. A beauty inside of me to radiate his love to the world.
So here I am, in this world -  a world becoming over run by Satan and demons. Here I am with all I ever need, yet feeling so empty at times. Here I am God. Asking you to take my life, take my soul, open my eyes to my purpose, to the love you have placed in my life with irreplaceable family and friends, to light a fire in my heart to pursue you, to show the world the beauty you placed in me. I know it's all there.
Life is good. God is great.