the new reality begins.
Wow.
Unreal.
The visions have stopped of that horrible morning, instead I see her sweet face and here the echoes of her curious screams. My heart breaks. Reminiscing is bittersweet, it doesn't come with the trauma and shock of the initial event, it comes with a longing, hurting, heart felt plea to God asking "why" for the first time and temporarily halting my attempt to pursue "what" my life should be, focusing instead on the past and wondering why this is what it is. I'll only stop momentarily - I know that I have things to do, things I want to do, to pursue and fulfill my purpose, allowing my life to be God's and God's alone and accepting it's not about me.
It's a tough topic. How are we supposed to live a life that isn't about us, when we are loved by such a righteous God? How are our heads not to inflate when we realize the Lord of Lords, King of Kings, The Beginning and the End, our Alpha and Omega loves us in such a pure way it was given its own name: Agape? Between you and me, had God been my boyfriend in high school I'm pretty sure we'd be voted prettiest couple and been SOOOO much more popular than that cheerleader and football player. How am I not supposed to see the prize of heaven and think that I must be someone who is pretty special to be loved so much that my God is going to make this world new and give me happiness I've never experienced? How? My love and respect and FEAR of God grows daily. My conviction goes so much farther than what I demonstrate outwardly I reflect on feelings of my heart. Want to living selfishly - but fully knowing as a human I will never be GOD, but strive to be like him. To love like he does. Hillsong sings a song that puts it so eloquently it furthers my conviction. "Break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your kingdom's cause..."
Yesterday, I realized I have SO much to be thankful for. How blessed I truly am in my life. How ironically I am happier and more fulfilled today - than I have been in a very long time. James 1:12 says "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." My trials this year have been immense, things I thought would never be part of my life story. When I cried out for God he came into my life, held my heart when it otherwise would of broke. Sent blessing after blessing into my life, while allowing my trials to take their course. Allowed me to endure the hardships necessary to open my heart to the love this world provides. To open my eyes, mind, and soul to the beauty of the word and the promises of our Lord.
One day every decision will be understood, one day I'll know the whys. For now I'll pursue the what. Spend some more time on my knees and longer hours with my nose in the bible. Realizing there is a bigger plan, not one for my understanding because, after all, it isn't about me. Life is good. God is great.
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