So Mad.

Yep. I'm mad. Not at anyone specifically, but you wouldn't know it from how I've been acting. Patience has left, and Satan has indeed blown my light out because I'm sure as heck not doing any shining. This is frustrating. This faith stuff is tough! I think the first time I felt close to God was at summer camp in High School with church. I sat in front of a cross that looked down into a Valley in the Angeles Forest. Breathtaking. I prayed, I prayed to find love! Of all things at church camp I prayed for someone to love me...prayed to the person who love me the most - for a boyfriend. Until Makenna died, that may have been my last genuine prayer. Weak.
Now, my prayers are vague, I question. I wonder. I don't like this. I. AM. MAD. Not because this isn't fair, not because she didn't deserve it, but because it happened to ME. Selfish. I can't even define who or what I am mad at! Im just filled with anger and frustration over things I can't handle. The things I can't fix. I can't and won't place blame, because it's not worth it -it wouldn't do anything. This emotion is seeping into all my life.
I guess, I just need to make the decision not to be angry. I ignite that fire that I know is inside me,  to meditate in prayer and give this up to God. It believe he won't give me anymore that I can handle, and know that I'm tough enough to handle this.
You know that footprints poem? He carried you when you were weak. Well, I have another visual. Ever watch a parent teach their kid to ride a bike, they hold on to get some balance, then run like the dicken's to keep up, sometimes the kiddo falls - but Mom and Dad know how to make it better. I guess sometimes we need the scars to be motivated to stay on that bike, even if it hurts. Or how about a bull rider, someone's there to help em on, to pick em up, and when they have the wind knocked out of em, someone is there to pick em up...but that cowboy has to hold on for the ride. Has to dig down deep and know how to ride, but have faith in the fall. ...Now me personally I'd rather be the bronc rider...HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE PICK UP MEN?? oooooohhhhhh my :D
So, Im mad and Im grumpy. It's gets me nothing but a sore throat and a fat gut and a daugther who is calling the doctor to get mommy some bi polar meds. So, I guess it's time to give it up to God, find my boot straps and get ready for the next ride.