The Questions

Why?
Why Me?
Why her?
What did I do to deserve this?
What did she do to deserve this?
How could this happen to us?
What could I of done?
What if we  would of gone to church instead of to the zoo?
Why did she take a nap so early?
Why did I spend extra time doing my hair?
Why did I do my hair before getting her dressed?
Why didn't he go to work that day?
Why that day?
Why did you give me her if you were going to take her away?
Why didn't I leave?
Will the pain go away?
Will I be happy again?
Hold another newborn again, after laboring for hours?
Will I be a Mommy again? To mor children?
Will I get married?
Will I be able to support myself?
Will I be happy?
Will I fall in love?
Will Colt heal?
Will Colt be happy?
How will I explain this to Cheyenne?
What kind of questions will I have to answer?
Will Chey hate me?
Will Chey hate her Daddy?
Will Makenna Jo be forgotten?
How will I get throught the "1st, 2nds and 3rds?"
When will I see her again?
What is heaven like?
Will I see her toothy grin, or just know her spirit?
Did she feel anything?
Did she know she is loved?
Why?
Just, why?
What happened?
Could I have done more?
What was her purpose?
What is my purpose?
Will something happen to Cheyenne?
Would I have done anything different had I known nine months and eighteen days was all I got?
Am I numb, or is this the extent of my pain?
What do I do next?
Why have I made the choices I have?
Will those who love her heal?
Do they hate me?
Do they blame me for their pain?
Do they blame colt?
Do they blame God?
Do the regret knowing her?
What happens next?
How much control do I have over my life?
Did I pray hard enough?
Was I punished?
Did God know I had doubt in my mind?
Did he know I had faith in my heart?
Do the people who responded to her call remember her?
Do the blame us?
Do they think we are terrible parents?
When is it okay, to be okay?
How long do I keep her urn?
Does she need to be buried?
Can I bury her?
Why do I feel selfish?
Why are there really no answers?
Why, can I accept there are no answers but still ask the questions.

These questions rush through my head, visions of the morning and of the time we had together. I've accepted what has happened, accepted there are no answers. Yet they are a daily conversation with myself.
I Love you Makadoo, I can't begin to explain how much you are missed.