So Mad.

Yep. I'm mad. Not at anyone specifically, but you wouldn't know it from how I've been acting. Patience has left, and Satan has indeed blown my light out because I'm sure as heck not doing any shining. This is frustrating. This faith stuff is tough! I think the first time I felt close to God was at summer camp in High School with church. I sat in front of a cross that looked down into a Valley in the Angeles Forest. Breathtaking. I prayed, I prayed to find love! Of all things at church camp I prayed for someone to love me...prayed to the person who love me the most - for a boyfriend. Until Makenna died, that may have been my last genuine prayer. Weak.
Now, my prayers are vague, I question. I wonder. I don't like this. I. AM. MAD. Not because this isn't fair, not because she didn't deserve it, but because it happened to ME. Selfish. I can't even define who or what I am mad at! Im just filled with anger and frustration over things I can't handle. The things I can't fix. I can't and won't place blame, because it's not worth it -it wouldn't do anything. This emotion is seeping into all my life.
I guess, I just need to make the decision not to be angry. I ignite that fire that I know is inside me,  to meditate in prayer and give this up to God. It believe he won't give me anymore that I can handle, and know that I'm tough enough to handle this.
You know that footprints poem? He carried you when you were weak. Well, I have another visual. Ever watch a parent teach their kid to ride a bike, they hold on to get some balance, then run like the dicken's to keep up, sometimes the kiddo falls - but Mom and Dad know how to make it better. I guess sometimes we need the scars to be motivated to stay on that bike, even if it hurts. Or how about a bull rider, someone's there to help em on, to pick em up, and when they have the wind knocked out of em, someone is there to pick em up...but that cowboy has to hold on for the ride. Has to dig down deep and know how to ride, but have faith in the fall. ...Now me personally I'd rather be the bronc rider...HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE PICK UP MEN?? oooooohhhhhh my :D
So, Im mad and Im grumpy. It's gets me nothing but a sore throat and a fat gut and a daugther who is calling the doctor to get mommy some bi polar meds. So, I guess it's time to give it up to God, find my boot straps and get ready for the next ride.

Courage, Strength, Stick-to-itiveness

We are approaching four months, of a nightmare, of incredible growth, and sorrowful defeat. Next week, Colt will plead guilty to involuntary manslaughter and face a sentencing of probation to ten years in prison, I pray for mercy.

Today, I try to recount what I have overcome with the grace of God. I’m searching DEEP to find strength of some of that “stick-to-itiveness” I used to pride myself on. As I have said before, I called on the Lord that morning on my knees in front of 808 Warbler Court, Psalms 138:3 says “In the day that I called, you answered me. You encouraged me with strength in my soul.” I have felt that strength since, some days it is minimal but it’s still there…I feel it’s waning today, but I feel that I have not fed myself with the scripture and prayer that I truly need to rely on at this time. It takes courage to give it up to God, to put worldly troubles into the hands and trust of someone, we are simply asked to believe in and serve in order to receive everlasting life. It’s a pretty extreme yet outwardly simple endeavor.

In the book of Hebrews, it is written “(Hebrews 13:6) 6 So that with good courage we say, “The Lord is my helper. I will not fear. What can man do to me?” Well, the truth is Man CAN do a lot. Man with God or Satan will impact your days for your entire life, but it’s up to your trust in God on how that impact will ring. That is where we go back to the idea of courage. Courage in fear can ONLY result as trusting 110% in what you believe in. But God prepared us for these struggles, he gave us role models to learn from, and he developed in us a triumphant spirit if t we choose to pursue a life following the model of Jesus Christ, II Timothy explains that “(II Timothy 1:7) 7 God didn’t give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control.” I need to rely on my God given spirit to overcome worldly struggles and continue on my purpose, everyone does. Everyone daily will walk a hard walk in varying degrees of difficulty, but everyone struggles, everyone chooses to have the courage to trust what they believe in or abandon it and feel they can do it on their own.

Today is a struggle. Today, I wonder what else is in store but afraid to ask the question out loud. Today, I pray to God to recognize that “My soul is weary with sorrow: (and to) strengthen me according to your word. (Psalms 119:28)”

My Church.

Wow. Profound huh? How my views on my religion have changed! Part of it is the way God works through Pastor Matt and Sandals Church and some of it is through self discovery I have been prompted to take by my own questions. The tough questions, the main question.  I'm sure a lot of you are expecting it to be "why" but it's not. Now, I'm not sure why it's not - part of me is scared to know. My biggest question is why do I believe what I believe - and if I believe in it why is it so EASY for my heart to stray? To take on more than I can handle, and not give it all up to God and try to listen and execute HIS will with grace and conviction.
Thankfully, I have my church.  No, not the place I worship, my CHURCH. My family and friends whom I walk the walk with Jesus with. The ones who hold me accountable when I fall short of living the life I should and the ones who model and point the direction I should be going. Now, I won't name them all here - mostly because I would probably leave someone out and be forever in debt to them for not allowing them to reach fame and riches by mentioning them on my blog. What I will say, is for as much credit as they give God's work through me,  I see it tenfold in them. In my darkest nights and most joyous days they have walked the path with me - diversions and all.
I thank God for my church.

Been a while....

The aching from mourning is beginning to subside...or perhaps it will be like the tides of the ocean and come back when some pull increases. For now the aching has turned, I don't know how quite to describe it.  Not aching, not "better," just different.  Other things that have turned is my perspective. There is a song we sung in church this weekend that really put some things in a different light, called "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" the lyrics:
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus,


Look full in His wonderful face,

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of His glory and grace"
 
So many of my stresses come from my changes in earthly possessions...well actually all of them do. From my car to my family and friends, they are all of this earth right?  My material possessions bring way to much stress to my life, I let the possibility of losing them consume me and that leads to stress. This stress manifest in unkindness and greed which isn't the way I want to walk my life right now, that definitely isn't God's will. So, I have made the conscience effort in recent days to let go what I can't control and try to understand what I can, with the grace of God. It's difficult and I'm not perfect. I have been blessed in my life to be taken care of, to be provided for. I have rarely been in want, and never in need. I have to remind myself of that consistently, and remember that while I may do the foot work, or my family and friends may it is ONLY by the grace of God that I am where I am today.
I know true happiness will come from selflessness, not from the car I drive, where I live, or the clothes I wear. It will come through service to others, to my God. I have a lot to look forward to in life, and in eartly death as long as I keep my eyes upon Jesus. The way, the truth, the light.

The Life I Always Wanted?

I thought I had to figured out. I thought I had it. A husband, a home, two darling little girls, a job I truly enjoyed, even the pup and two nice cars. In one moment it was ripped away from me, all but Cheyenne. How I hold onto that....how I pray NOW that it's God's will that she won't leave me. Looking back on that equation I can see what is missing.
But who am I to ask for God's grace if I neglect the way of life he wants for me? How do  know what that way is unless I strengthen that relationship? There is a place in my heart that believes things were taken from me because I wasn't where I belonged. I wasn't walking where I should be. I don't know if this is true, I don't know where to find the answers...all I know NOW is I have to do well with what I have. For the first time, I truly want to know what it means to be a Christian. Sure,  believe in God and Jesus. But, I get to analytical about think and wonder if I can trust my heart. I don't think faith existin the brain. (is that an oxymoron?)
Now, where do I start? From the beginning? From the end? Jump into a yearly devotional...or perhap just read Chey a book from her beginner bible? I DON'T know...perhaps, that means I should pray...but then that just opens a brand new can of worms...how do I do that? I've heard about structures, about just having a conversation - I want to do this right!
Today in Church this was the topic, how to get the life I wanted...is by following God's will.

1. Know God and Jesus Christ
Sure, I could tell you about the miracles of Jesus Christ and the Awesomeness of God, but I can't tell you what comes next. Im very much the Freshman in the University of Christianity. We might have been in a relationship for a while, but I still have the first date jitters. I need to work on this.
2. Practice living the life Jesus lived.
Perhaps, those WWJD bracelets did mean something. No, being a nice person isn't the only thing that gets yah into heaven, but it sure does help. Could you imagine if Jesus walked on water, but was rolling his eyes and thinking about his next stunt in the process? Cured leprosy while cursing that he had to be around the person to begin with? Had fed millions from two baskets of food, and muttered under his breath about welfare and social reform? Wouldn't of had the same effect.
4. Live a life of Service to God.
Wow. My whole life? I have been praying about this for a while. Im very interested in international missions - until now for the wrong reasons. Im praying to be put where Im needed.
5. Learn to love your church like God did.
WHAT??? These people don't even say hi to ME. Then again, I don't say hi to them.  I say, I'll wait until I know more people, until I am more comfortabe. But why? So this week, Im praying for the courage to say hello, to share a smile,to strike up a conversation.
Im struggling, but treading water. I can see land, but still tasting the salt. One day, one prayer at a time.
John 17:1-9

MY New Reality

To say I'm not where I thought I would be today, would be the greatest of understatements. It's 4:16 a.m. May 15th, 2010. Im sitting in a hotel room, in Santa Maria California watching the Sex in the City Movie. A year ago I may have been awake, but then I was holding a piece of my heart in my arms, nuturing her. Now, my heart is in my throat - and I long to be nutured. I came to the realization early that I would have big changes in my life, moving, living without Makenna, raising Cheyenne as a single Mommy...depending on people - I had tried SO hard to be independent of. Until this weekend, it never occured to me the new relationship I would have to form with myself. I've lost a lot.....
I won't say the five years I was married to Colt were horrific, yes there were times I wish had never happened, but they did. I experienced my highest highs with him...and sadly my lowest lows. I've learned what love is and what love isn't. I've learned where true strength comes from, and the courage it takes to use it. I also learned, that above all else I CAN'T settle anymore. I can't. I know deep down that every human being is fully entitled and fully capable of seeking happiness and I am no exception.
I know what I would wish for if I had a lamp to rub - but the fact is I don't. In fact, my wishes are so objective, so internal I don't think any genie would be able to fullfill them. Perhaps, that has been my problem all along. All my life, I have searched in others for happiness, for fullfillment. But tonight, for the first time I realize that what Im searching for doesn't come from anyone else. If it did, Im sure with my tenacity I would of found it by now. Some google search SURELY would of lead me to enlightenment and happiness. Ruling out the possibility of finding happiness and fullfillment in someone else, and understanding the fact that all people can be genuinely happy, shows me it's MY choice to look at this world as one filled with opportunity and excitement...and selfless fullfilling happiness. Or, it's my choice to let someone else determine when it's okay..or when Im eligible to be happy. 
See, true happiness isn't given, it's pursued. It comes from the selfless love of a genuine heart acting on what it feels, not on what is censored by the brain. It's when my heart swells when I hear a bird chirping outside the window, when Cheyenne cuddles up to me in the middle of the night, and when I recollect the smiles and laughs my Makenna was SO selfless to share.
I've had happiness in my life, but always craved more. Always wanted to scale the next moutain to see the next valley. Which is GREAT if I take the time to enjoy the view, the smells, the feelings, and truly taste the ups and downs of life, as well as the strolls though wide open pastures, where Im free to explore the flowers, bask in the sun, and see up close in true detail what I admired from a far.
So today, this morning. i've decided it will be the pursuit for happiness that needs to be enjoyed. All the little flowers and rays of sunshine it offers along the way. I'll appreciate the satisfaction that comes along the climb to the summit. My mountains won't be smaller, my valley's any less grand - but those little pieces along the way will be appreciated for what they are - the pretty bits and the nasty bits that make up our lives. The bits that refine our pursuit.

What's the big idea?

What IS the big idea? My frien Donald Duck, he's not the coolest cube in the tray. He gets lit up like a firecracker when things don't go QUITE his way. He vaguely reminds me of someone I know...just can't put my finger on it. Perhaps, she has a lesson to learn from him. Almost always, in Donad's frustrations he screams out "What's the big idea?" Could this actually being Donald trying to figure out his place in the world, or maybe, just perhaps, he has momentary realizations that his frustrations are not the end to the larger plan.That the possibility exist, that the world does not revolve around a single being on earth. Yet, revovles around a single plan determined by our Our God, the most awesome God.
Pretty deep revalation for watching Playhouse Disney one may conclude. But, when you have a two year old you take your moral lessons where you can get em. This morning Donald Duck seemed pretty deep.
He got me thinking about how I get mad. I get lit up quicker than a firecracker on Fourth of July! But, I simmer down faster than an ice cube melts in death valley. I identify with Donald - I feel his immediate frustrations. However, I don't want to be identified AS Donald. I would hope my speech was slightly clearer and my frustrations not so openly animated. Taking the time to consider what the "big idea" really is could save me some energy and frustrations - as well and making my corner of the world a little more peaceful.
I pray and meditate that I listen and hear, then act upon my purpose in fullfilling the larger idea...not losing sight of the greater purpose in my momentary spasms of frustration.